The TV Studio

[Groddil]

Welcome to the ForumNet TV Television Studio, fellow forumgoers! Here you will find a variety of entertainments and infomercials designed specifically for your viewing delight. First and foremost is our primary show, GRODDIL AND THE ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS! But if YOU want to make a show, feel free to pop it up.

The Talk Show Channel

The Whenever show, with Groddil and Cthulhu, Episode 2

* Jingle plays.

HEY HEY, PEOPLEZ! IT'S THE late night WHENEVER SHOW, WITH GRODDIL AND CTHULHU!

Goooood [INSERT TIME HERE], Everybody. I'm your host, Groddil. Joining me, as always, is everybody's favorite Eldritch Abomination, Cthulhu! Say hello, Cthulhu.

N'JOSAD MORTAL BAF'NIJ VIEW OMAD'SKREY!

Also joining us today is someone who's the complete opposite of our last guest. He's not funny, aside from his sarcastic sense of "humor." He's mean, nasty, and evil! Not to mention he's a fat, drunk pig. IT'S...............TRAMUN JOSIAH CUTTLEFISH CLOGG!!!

* An extremely ugly stoat rolls in, using its flab as a wheel.

Dear god, it's even worse up close. Cthulhu, deal with this thing!

NNUIAWA GES'FRIIII IB'HEAR!

* Cthulhu mauls CrappyCloggz, then vomits upon tasting him. Cthulhu then picks up the stoat with its talons and dumps it into the ocean.

Okay, let's get a better guest. Hmm...How about...JAMES GRYPHON!!!

* James Gryphon plops unceremoniously into the studio.

Well, if it isn't my enemy...How're ya doin'?

James: What? Huh?

* James drools.

Heh, anyway...Many call you some variant of "the evil administrator." What's your opinion on this?

James: Uuuuuuuhhh. No vegemite in Redwall, duuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr...

Ooookeeey...What is your opinion on your status as "Forum Dictator?"

James: Ummmm...We'll see and stuff. Characters attention span is-oh look, a butterfly.

Hmph. Whatever. What do you think of our duel?

James: Uuuuuuuhhhh...prominent portrayal and stuff!

Nnnrrrrrggghhh...OREOS OR TIM TAMS???

James: Everybody leaves happy, hurr hurr hurr.

* James chuckles stupidly.

FINE! YOUR FAVORITE SPECIES! MICE AND RATS! PICK ONE!

James: Who am I to question the workings of the forum?

Huh? What? Huh? That isn't a valid answer...FORGET IT! ONE. MORE. QUESTION! What do you think of Matthias?

James: Umm...Who's better?

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF TURD MUFFINS!!1!

James: I liked that one too! Hurr hurr hurr!

Cthulhu. KILL!!!

NNUIAWA GES'FRIIII IB'HEAR!

* Cthulhu mauls James and throws him out of the studio.

Well, that was the worst interview I've ever had to do. Stay tuned for part two of our Ashleg interview! Until then...

* Jingle plays.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

A Michael Bay film...

Starring...

?? ? as James Gryphon...

?? as Groddil...

And Morgan Freeman as the narrator...

GRYPHONMAN VS GRODDILMAN: Dawn of JusticeSPAM!

* An exlosion and a lens flare hog the screen, while Morgan Freeman yammers on about how dumb this movie is and how they ever managed to hire him.

GRYPHONMAN VS GRODDILMAN, only on HideoutTV!

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The Reality TV Channel

Groddil's Tech Dump Episode 2

How's it going everyone? Today I, Groddil, am going to assist you in day-to-day life, and living with technology. The internet, electricity, all pivotal inventions dotting the timeline of the human race. But it can be confusing at times, which is why I'm here to help!

On today's episode...JAILBREAKING YOUR DEVICE!

Jailbreaking is a term used to define messing around with your phone/EYEpod/Ybox 720, allowing you access to applications otherwise locked to you, or to get things for free. Jailbreaking can be easy or hard, depending on your computer skill, but it really pays off. Firstly, you will need to link your de-

{THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THE INTERNET BY THE NSA ON GROUNDS FROM BANANA COMPUTERS INC.}

So there you have it. Jailbreaking! Enjoy it, just try not to get into trouble!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

The !!!NEW!!! EYEphone 12Z PLUS, only from BANANA COMPUTERS INC. The !!!NEW!!! EYEphone 12Z PLUS is EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE LAST MODEL, EXCEPT WE ROUNDED ITS SHAPE A BIT AND PUT A NEW OS (THE LAST ONE +0.001) ON IT! ONLY $200 DOLLARS MORE THAN THE EYEphone 12Y PLUS! BUY IT NOW!

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The Entertainment Channel

Groddil and the Eldritch Abominations Episode 2

* Jingle plays.

LAST TIME, ON GRODDIL AND THE ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS!!! The EVIL ADMINISTRATOR, James Gryphon, started up his plan to destroy the forum. In response, Groddil and Cthulhu summoned the Many Angled Ones to defeat James. Unfortunately, Lady Amber, a fellow forumgoer, betrayed Groddil, killing Cthulhu and the Many Angled Ones. Now, Groddil must race against the clock to resurrect Cthulhu and the Many Angled Ones, and stop James from enacting his EVIL ADMINISTRATIVE PLAN!!!

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Well, this is a fine mess you've gotten us into.

Lady Amber: What?

YOU DESTROYED OUR ONLY HOPE! NOW JAMES WILL WIN FOR SURE!

Lady Amber: Oh. Really? Huh. Too bad.

TOO. BAD? ARE YOU KIDDING? RRRRRR, I OUTTA...

Announcer: Three, two, one...FOOIIIIIGGGHHTTTT!

*Da, da da, da daaaaaaaaa!*

GERANIUMS!!!

* A geranium appears out of nowhere and strangles Amber.

Lady Amber: Oww! Sisterhood of Sorrow!

* Two squirrels appear. They assist Amber in mauling Groddil.

GAAAAAH! THAT'S IT! BOIL THE COCOA!!!

* A kettle appears, full of hot cocoa. The kettle explodes, scalding Amber.

Lady Amber: NYAAAAAARGH! YOU WANNA GET SERIOUS? INANE CHATTERING!!!

* A million squirrels surround the two fighters, and begin making loud chattering noises.

MY EARS!!! JUMANJI JIGSAW!!!

* Ashleg approaches Groddil, holding a strange jigsaw puzzle. He quickly makes the puzzle and tosses it at Amber. When the puzzle makes contact, Amber disappears in a flash of light. The previously blank jigsaw now shows a picture of the squirrel.

Phew! That was painful. Hmm, let's see...She killed Cthulhu, which means he'll have teleported back to R'lyeh again. Great. Where am I going to get a submarine?

* Jingle plays.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

* A squirrel with a Donald Trump-like haircut fills the screen, lugging a wall on his back. Atop the wall is a fat, ugly stoat, lounging around drinking grog.

*BURP!* "Hurry up, Trumpjumper! This wall to block all of our non-supporters out of the forum won't build itself!" *FART!*

"Y-Yes, Sweet Cloggo. Uhh, my back hurts..."

* CrappyCloggz throws an empty flagon of grog at Trumpjumper.

"SHUT UP DOWN THERE, SLAVE! PEEL ME ANOTHER GRAPE!"

* Ashleg falls from the sky, landing on top of the wall.

"TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!!!"

* Ronald Reagan appears and destroys the wall. Trumpjumper is buried under the rubble.

* CrappyCloggz draws his Rusty cutlass of the Seven Sins (+666 on all combat rolls made by disgusting, evil beings.)

*FART!* "Haw haw haw! A 667. Bwahahaha! ALCOHOL-INDUCED VIOLENCE!" *BURP!*

* An angry drunk person attacks Ashleg. The pine marten uses his hypnosis to pacify the drunkard, then draws his Sword of the Jigsaw Master (+10 to all combat rolls whilst under the effect of hot cocoa.), then chugs a glass of hot cocoa.

"PFFFFT! Eat this 14, CrappyCloggz! COCOA TSUNAMI!!!"

* A massive wave of hot cocoa drowns CrappyCloggz.

"Another day saved!"

DON'T VOTE FOR CRAPPYCLOGGZ, VOTE FOR ASHLEG TO MAKE THE FORUMS NICER!!!

*Fade to black*

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The Reruns Channel

Groddil's Tech Dump Episode 1

How's it going everyone? Today I, Groddil, am going to assist you in day-to-day life, and living with technology. The internet, electricity, all pivotal inventions dotting the timeline of the human race. But it can be confusing at times, which is why I'm here to help!

On today's episode...GETTING TO THE DEEP WEB!

The Deep Web is a term used to define about 90% of the internet. The kind of things that don't show up in search engines like google or bing. The Deep Web is commonly used as a hive of illegal activity, but can also be an interesting place to explore. Firstly, you will need to download a specialized browser invented to keep your privacy intact and allow you to browse the de-

{THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THE INTERNET BY THE NSA.}

So there you have it. The Deep Web. Enjoy it, just try not to get into trouble!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

Onions? ONIONS! WE ALL LOVE ONIONS! THEY HAVE LAYERS OF SECURITY AND STUFF!

Onions, your FREE best friend for all of your Deep Web needs. Buy Onions today for only 10000 bitcoins a piece. Simply send your bitcoins to mxuianwSJSA189J2k, and you will be sent an onion!

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The Ashenwyte Show Episode One

*Theme song plays*
Ash: Hey boys and girls! Do you want to have some fun with me and my guest today, Random Cultist?
Children: Yes!
Random Cultist: What the heck is going on? Where am I?
Ash: Shut up. Now kids, let's learn how to spot and stop a Mary Sue!
Children: What's a Mary Sue? Yay! 
Ash: Is that new person in the corner looking oh so moody and mysterious?
Children: Yes!
Random Cultist: Who are you people?
Ash: Are they looking perfect and sparkly?
Children: Yes!
Ash: THEN IT'S PURGING TIME! *Revs up chainsword*
Children: AAAAAH, PSYCHOPATH! Yay!
Random Cultist: O_O
*Scene cuts to Random Cultist doing a jig, still looking confused, while the sound of screaming is heard from the corner*
That's all, kids! Don't forget to have fun!

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The Whenever Show, with Groddil and Cthulhu Episode 1

* Jingle plays.

HEY HEY, PEOPLEZ! IT'S THE late night WHENEVER SHOW, WITH GRODDIL AND CTHULHU!

Goooood [INSERT TIME HERE], Everybody. I'm your host, Groddil. Joining me, as always, is everybody's favorite Eldritch Abomination, Cthulhu! Say hello, Cthulhu.

N'JOSAD MORTAL BAF'NIJ VIEW OMAD'SKREY!

Also joining us is a VERY special guy. He's running for president, he's simply AMAZING to his supporters...His interests are long walks on the beach, knitting, and unicorns whales, hot cocoa, roleplaying, and FUN! That's right, I'm talking about...ASHLEG!!!

* Ashleg is unceremoniously dumped into the studio.

Ashleg: What? Huh?

ASHLEG here recently signed a contract to put advertising on the channel. Unfortunately, he didn't read the fine print! That's gotta suck, hey buddy?

* Ashleg doesn't say anything, but rather stares into space, drooling.

GREAT! He's LURKING! Well, we don't want him doing THAT, do we Cthulhu? Kill.

* Cthulhu roars and dives towards Ashleg. Blood spatters over the camera. A black censor box appears where Ashleg was sitting that says: "Ashleg is fine. Ashleg is okay." Cthulhu returns to his seat picking bones out of his teeth.

Umm, let's go to a commercial break!

* Jingle plays.

COMMERICIAL BREAK:

Are YOU sick of all your friends LURKING?

* A sick-looking child nods sadly.

Do YOU wish they were as active as you?

* A sick-looking child nods sadly.

Well...NOW YOU CAN! WITH THE "ANTI-LURKER EXTRAVAGANZA^TM MACHINE," YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT LURKERS EVERY AGAIN. EACH MACHINE COMES WITH A RED BUTTON, A BLUE BUTTON, AND A LENGTH OF ELECTRICAL CABLE. SIMPLY ATTACH THE BLUE BUTTON TO YOUR FRIEND AND PRESS IT. THEN, WHENEVER THEY START LURKING, PUSH THE RED BUTTON TO ADMINISTER AN ELECTRIC SHOCK AND UN-LURK THEM! 17% OF THE TIME, IT ACTUALLY WORKS!

* An evil-looking child zaps one of his friends with the ANTI-LURKER EXTRAVAGANZA MACHINE!

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! IF YOU BUY IT NOW, YOU'LL GET THREE ANTI-LURKER EXTRAVAGANZA MACHINES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE. SIMPLY SEND THREE EASY PAYMENTS OF $89.99 TO 1337 GODMODDER LANE, LOAMHEDGE, THE INTERNET!

* Jingle plays.

Hah hah, welcome back folks! Once again, I'm your host, Groddil, here with Cthulhu and today's guest, Ashleg!

* The Camera pans to Ashleg, who is sitting next to Groddil wrapped in bandages.

So, how's life been?

Ashleg: Oh, its been good, y'know. Why don't you check the bottom of mah art thread, Grod?

Hah hah, there's nothing there, silly!

Ashleg: CHECK THE BOTTOM!

Uhh...nope. Nothing new. Err, y'mean the requests thing?

Ashleg: Yiss yiss! Below that!

There is nothing below that...

Ashleg: Yes there is. Gifts. Winkwonk. :3 Eh eh.

Ummmmmm...THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY! STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO OF MY INTERVIEW WITH ASHLEG, BUT FOR NOW, GO TO COMMERCIAL BREAK!

* Jingle plays.

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

* A red flag depicting a wall flies proudly in the sun, tattered but standing strong, atop Loamhedge. Suddenly, the sky darkens. An evil laugh splits the air.

* A disgusting stoat wearing cloggs starts climbing up the Loamhedge wall, supported from below by a squirrel with a Donald Trump haircut. CrappyCloggz lifts his immensely fat bulk onto the wall and staggers towards the flag, burping and farting as he walks. The disgusting stoat touches the flag, which reacts as though touched by acid. The wall is removed from the flag, replaced by a picture of a clogg. CrappyCloggz laughs evilly as lightning flashes all around. Suddenly, the clouds move away and reveal the sun.

"BEGONE, EVILDOER!!!"

* CrappyCloggz scratches its twenty chins in confusion.

* Ashleg falls out of the sky, squishing the squirrel with the weird hair. He draws his Sword of the Jigsaw Master (+10 to all combat rolls whilst under the effect of hot cocoa.) and points it at CrappyCloggz.

"I SAID, BEGONE!!!"

* Ashleg chugs down a hot cocoa. He swings his sword at CrappyCloggz.

"A NATURAL 20, AWWW YEAAAH! WHALE BLAST!!!"

* A large whale emerges from Ashleg's sword and crushes CrappyCloggz. Ashleg plants a new flag, same as the original, except with a whale underneath the wall.

"DON'T LET CRAPPYCLOGGZ UNDO ALL OF OUR HARD WORK! VOTE ASHLEG TO MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!"

* The Screen cuts to a shot of Ashleg passing out jigsaw puzzles and hot cocoa to starving children, then to a picture of the Redwall Flag with the words "Vote Ashleg" printed on it.

*Fade to Black*

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Groddil and the Eldritch Abominations Episode 1

* Jingle plays.

Welcome, boys and girls, to...GRODDIL AND THE ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS!!!

Hey folks, I'm Groddil. The suave, handsome, intelligent protagonist of the show!

DAS'GAEF IMAB'FWAAA!

Oh, and that's Cthulhu. He's a little bit hard to understand.

* Cthulhu places its hands on its hips.

RASOMD'WADPIJ NIJ'MAF'QYERT GRODDIL N'YARLP'REDS!

See what I mean? Hah hah...

INOAM'ADMIN YUOAJSD BN'JEAF!

What's that Cthulhu? Has little Jimmy fallen down the well?

Lady Amber: We must save Jimmy!

* Cthulhu slaps its head.

INOAM'ADMIN YUOAJSD BN'JEAF!

Oh, y'mean Admin? Evil? Sounds like James Gryphon! Huh, he plans on destroying the forum?!?!

Lady Amber: What?

Why, Cthulhu! We must stop him immediately!

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh James Gryphon R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

What? James sleeps in R'lyeh? He kicked you out of your house? Why that evil little...RIGHT! TIME TO PERFORM AN EVIL ELDRITCH RITUAL AND SUMMON THE MANY ANGLED ONES TO FEAST ON THE MINDS OF MEN!!!

* Groddil collects two blocks of cheese, a ritual knife, and a twelve-gallon drum of salt water. Groddil then performs a strange chant while stabbing the cheese with the knife.

Iunmduiasnfomefa hfuaihmfnaida, ourphange angle!

Iunmduiasnfomefa hfuaihmfnaida, ourphange angle!

* Groddil eats one block of cheese, and throws the other into the salt water.

* Lady Amber is confused and doesn't know what to do.

* The Many Angled Ones emerge from the barrel.

* Lady Amber destroys Cthulhu and the Many Angled Ones, whatever they are.

Amber! That was rude!

* Jingle plays.

Next time, on GRODDIL AND THE ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS...Groddil must find a way to resurrect Cthulhu before James destroys the forum! GRODDIL AND THE ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS, only on ForumNet TV!

COMMERCIAL BREAK:

Are YOU sick of being picked on by the denizens of the cellars?

* A sick-looking child nods sadly.

Do YOU wish they would stop PowerPlaying you?

* A sick-looking child nods sadly.

Do YOU want to inflict karmic revenge on all of those cruel *BLEEEEEP*?

* A sick-looking child nods sadly.

Well, NOW YOU CAN! With the new "OVERPOWERED GODMODDER^TM BRAIN TRANSPLANT," YOU TOO CAN POWERPLAY ALL OF YOUR ENEMIES OUT OF EXISTENCE AS REVENGE!

* A sick-looking child burns an internet troll with the fiery powers of overpowered godmodding.

You too can become an overpowered godmodder by sending twenty easy monthly payments of $29.99 to 1337 Godmodder Lane, Loamhedge, The Internet. Payments only accepted through PayPal or Bitcoin, no refunds, please attach $99.99 for postage and handling.

BUT WAIT...THERE'S MORE! IF YOU BUY THE OVERPOWERED GODMODDER BRAIN TRANSPLANT THROUGH BITCOIN, WE'LL THROW IN A SECOND, FREE TRANSPLANT FOR A FRIEND. THAT'S TWICE THE VALUE, FOR THE PRICE OF ONE! BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! IF YOU BUY NOW, YOU'LL GET A FREE SET OF STEAK KNIVES! THAT'S OVER THREE TIMES THE VALUE, ABSOLUTELY FREE! BUT WAIT, IF YOU'RE ONE OF THE FIRST 15 BUYERS, WE'LL ALSO THROW IN A VHS TAPE BY A RENOWNED CELEBRITY, TEACHING YOU HOW TO USE YOUR GODMODDER POWERS!

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[Ashleg]

Ooooooo

[Hickory]

Unprofessional.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

Unprofessional.

You're jealous. CRAPPYCLOGGZ? WHY THE GALL OF IT.

 The Ashenwyte Show Episode One

*Theme song plays*
Ash: Hey boys and girls! Do you want to have some fun with me and my guest today, Random Cultist?
Children: Yes!
Random Cultist: What the heck is going on? Where am I?
Ash: Shut up. Now kids, let's learn how to spot and stop a Mary Sue!
Children: What's a Mary Sue? Yay! 
Ash: Is that new person in the corner looking oh so moody and mysterious?
Children: Yes!
Random Cultist: Who are you people?
Ash: Are they looking perfect and sparkly?
Children: Yes!
Ash: THEN IT'S PURGING TIME! *Revs up chainsword*
Children: AAAAAH, PSYCHOPATH! Yay!
Random Cultist: O_O
*Scene cuts to Random Cultist doing a jig, still looking confused, while the sound of screaming is heard from the corner*
That's all, kids! Don't forget to have fun!

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[Lady Amber]

I found your ads hilarious, Groddil. Especially the CrappyCloggz one. Also I was pleased to see that the shout box history with me in it was apparently turned into a show.

[Russa Nodrey]

Totally hilarious.

[Ashleg]

HEY YO, HEY

[Lady Ashenwyte]

 The Ashenwyte Show Episode 2

*Theme song plays*
Ashenwyte: Hey kids, welcome to the Ashenwyte show! Today, I'm joined by @Bonaparte, who'll give us a tutorial on how to use cannons in battle! 
Kids: Yay! 
Bonaparte: Woo!
Ash: So, here's a cannon. This cannon can inflict horrifying devastation upon anything that lives and anything that doesn't. Mo
Kids: Yay!
Bonaparte: First, you need a castle. Lucky for us, Ash has many enemies with castles, and this castle here is perfect for my demonstration!
Kids: Oooh! 
Bonaparte: First, you need to load the cannon. Luckily for us, it's already loaded. Now, we need to light the fuse. *He lights the fuse* *Cannon fires with a massive boom. The castle wall is torn open and warriors pour out of the breach*
Ash: Now kids, let me deal with this. *Revs up chainsaw*
Kids: Aaah, psychopath! Yay! 
*Scene cuts to Bonaparte doing a jig, while faint screams and explosions are heard*
Ash and Bonaparte: That's all, kids! Have fun!

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[Dotti Dillworthy]

Pilot Episode! Hilarious Mix-Up Variety Show with Dotti.

Spoiler

*theme song plays*
Audience: *applauds*
Dotti: Hello guys! Welcome to Hilarious Mix-Up Variety Show! I'm your host Dotti Lovegood, and our episode for today is: Election Problems and How to Deal With Them.
Audience: *applauds*
Dotti: First up is: Celebrity Show-off a la Gilderoy Lockhart.
*tarpaulins and posters of various forum candidates for Cellars President is brought for all to see*
Dotti: *giggles while pointing to Daskar poster* This guy's a power freak and a dictator. He is just like Hitler in terms of attitude.
Daskar: *rushes to the stage angrily and points at Dotti* How dare you compare me to Hitler?!
Dotti: Well, it's a matter of personal opinion, so if you want everyone to vote for you, go on and chase me!
*a hilarious mix-up of chaos and chase ensues, and as a result, audience scatter up throughout the studio trying to avoid the chasing duo*
Dotti: *hides under the stage wall while panting for breath* That's all for today, folks. Part two of the Election Problems will be up tomorrow, so stay tuned! Whoah! *is caught up by Daskar*

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[Lady Ashenwyte]

Updoot pls.