Jokes

[Rainshadow]

  Seen on a napkin:

  Hey cutey do you want to date me?

  Yes:  Smile

  No:  Backflip

[Tiria Wildlough]

Why did the frog cross the road?
'Cause he wanted to join his flatmate.

[Redwallfan7]

Customer: Waiter, I can't find any clams in my clam chowder

Waiter: Oh, and I suspect that you want to find angels in your angel food cake too!

Lol

[Rainshadow]

  Scene:  Boy looking for phone in his house

  Boy:  Mom, where's my phone?
  Mom:  It's on the table.
  Boy:  *Looks on empty table*  No it's not!
  Mom:  Do I really need to go there?  *Walks in, points to phone on table*
  Boy:  WHAT KIND OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS?!?!?!

[Griffen]

look at the post above  , quickly look back down at this post. where am i? behind you!!   

[Rainshadow]

  Um, so there was this mollusk, and he walks, well, he doesn't walk, he swims up to this sea cucumber.  Well, you know that sea cucumbers can't talk, but in jokes, everyone can talk, so the sea cucumber says...

[Redwallfan7]

Finding Nemo! I love that film, it's so funny

[Rainshadow]

  One of the reasons I love Disney.  Okay, this is the Dog Diary Vs. the Cat Diary.  I have altered it a little bit so that it's more appropriate.


The Dog's Diary

 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
 5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

   My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

   The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

   There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

   Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

   I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

[cicizhang01]

lolz!!!

[Rainshadow]

  "Very Clean" Funny Pics To Do List:

  1.  Wear a shirt that says "Life", hand out lemons.
  2.  Hire two private investigators.  Get them to follow one another.
  3.  Go into a crowded elevator & say "I bet you're all wondering why I gathered you here," with a straight face.
  4.  Make vanilla pudding, put it in a mayo jar.  Eat it in public.
  5.  Run into a store, ask what year it is.  When someone answers, yell "It worked!" and run out cheering.
  6.  Change name to Simon.  Speak in third person.
  7.  Follow joggers around in a car blasting "Eye of the Tiger" for encouragement.

  I, Rainshadow, do solemnly swear to try and finish as many of these as I can in my lifetime.  Can I get an amen?

[Tiria Wildlough]

36 Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"

2. Stand silent and motionless in one corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to open the doors, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open by themselves.

4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask them all to call you Admiral.

5. Meow occasionally.

6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

7. Say "DING!" at every floor.

8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

9. Make explosion noises whenever someone else pushes a button.

10. Stare grinning at another person for a while, then say, "I have new socks on."

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13. Draw a little square with chalk on the floor then say to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

14. When there's only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder then pretend it wasn't you.

15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug with the other passengers. Tell them that you will never forget them.

16. Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.

17. Hold the doors open and say that you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"

18. Drop a pen and wait until someone bends to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20. Pretend that you're a flight attendant, and review emergency exits with the other passengers.

21. Swat at flies that don't exist.

22. Yell, "Group hug!", then enforce it.

23. Make race car noises when someone gets on or off.

24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift as you.

25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shup UP!"

26. Walk in with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!", then whistle innocently.

28. Let your cell phone ring--don't answer it.

29. Walk into the lift and say, "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."

30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when others don't.

31. Ask people which floor they want, then say, "Is that your final answer?"

32. Also in your bellboy act, ask people what floor they want. Whenever they answer, give them a glare and say, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

33. Ask loudly, "Did you feel that?"

34. Tell different people that you can see their aura.

35. When the door closes, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

36. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

[Rainshadow]

[Dannflower Reguba]

Ummm..... Lesse.....
BATMAN!

[Rainshadow]

  HEY!  So is mine!

[Skyblade]

My friend saw a picture on the computer that showed a guy holding a bag full of carrots.
The bag said Ingredients:carrots
Guy:You don't say