Since Today is the 4th of July...

[SandyB]

PLEASE NOTE: The following piece is a work of SATIRE. I did not mean to cause offense to other users, mods, admins or patriotic Americans. This is just me taking a well established history of a nation and pointing out that it is kinda weird. But if it does make anybody smile or laugh, then mission accomplished!

A VERY BRIEF HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Once upon a time in England, there was a group of Christians called Puritans who were being persecuted by both the Church of England and the Roman Catholic church. So they all hopped onto a boat called the "Mayflower" and sailed across the Atlantic Ocean to settle in the new world. But as soon as they arrived they were greeted by savages.

"Aaaarrgggghh! INDIANS!!!" So they killed them off.

Now, you might think carrying out acts of genocide might mellow them out, but instead they ended up being scared of each other.

"WITCH!!" So they burned witches.

In 1775 they started killing the British to win their sovereign rights as a free and independent nation and it worked. But they still felt a little insecure with their new found freedom. So in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the Second Continental Congress added a second amendment to the constitution saying that every white man could keep his gun.

Which brings us to the ingenious idea of slavery. You see, the white people were afraid of doing any hard work, so they went to Africa, kidnapped thousands of black people, brought them back to America and forced to work very hard for no money. And I don't mean "no money" as in; "I work at Wal-Mart and earn no money." No money as in zero dollars. Nothing, nada, zip. Doing things this way made the USA the richest country in the world.

But things soon got hairy. Because after decades of slavery, black people soon out numbered white people in many parts of the south. The slaves then started rebelling, there were uprisings, plantations were burned to the ground and their old slave-drivers and masters' heads got chopped off and when white people heard of this they started freaking out. However, in the nick of time came Samuel Colt, who in 1836 invented the first firearm that could fire over and over without having to reload. All the southern whites were like, "YEEEEE-HAWWWW!!"

By then it was too late, the Union won the civil war and thanks to a document named the Emancipation Proclamation the slaves were free. However, the slave took no revenge for their ill treatment, they just wanted to live their lives in peace. But you couldn't convince the white people of this. So they formed the Ku Klux Klan and in 1871 - the same year the Klan was deemed an illegal organization - another group was founded; The National Rifle Association (NRA). Soon politicians passed one of the first gun laws: It was illegal for any black person to own one.

It was a great year for America, the KKK and the NRA. Of course this is just a coincidence and the two groups had nothing to do with each other. One group promoted responsible firearm ownership and the other shot and lynched black people. And that was the way it was all the way up to 1955 when a black woman broke the law by refusing to move to the back of a bus. White people just couldn't believe it.

Then all hell broke loose. With strong willed and determined figureheads like Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X black people everywhere demanded their civil liberties and white people had a major fear meltdown and they all were like; "Run away!!" So they did, they went running into the suburbs where it was white and safe and clean. Then they went out and bought a quarter of a billion guns, put locks on their doors, alarms on their houses and gates around their neighbourhoods, until they were all safe and sound.

[Jetthebinturong]

A comedic retelling of the tragic events that led to America becoming America, good job Sandy, I love it 

[Jukka the Sling]

@Sandy: Oh yes, lol... my, what a vivid imagination you have. However, as a member of the Empire that has subjugated everyone from the Irish, the Scottish, to the continents of India and Australia, the Maori and other Pacific peoples (not to mention thousands of African slaves), perhaps you should turn your budding satirical skills on old Britannia. Eh, wot?

[Jetthebinturong]

I would if I was any good at writing non-romantic comedy but I'm not so I won't

[Gwen A. Mouse]

Happy 4th, Sandy! I hope you enjoy the rest of your day as thoroughly as I enjoyed your mini US History course.

[The Skarzs]

Well. . . that was. . . different.
I can honestly say I've never heard it told that way.
Rest assured there are equally exaggerated and partly-inaccurate recounts of the history and origins of the UK.
Like how you forced the Scots into subjugation, killed thousands of people (well, so has the US), eat smoked fish for breakfast and think that tea is far superior to coffee. . .
SERIOUSLY you guys?! You're savages! I mean, who eats fish for breakfast!?

[Jetthebinturong]

I wasn't trying to deny that the English have also done terrible things, it's just that the terrible things America has done are more widely remembered

[SandyB]

@Jukka- A brief history of Britain will be quite impossible as British history goes back further than 2000 years! So I'm gonna sum up British history as much as I can:

Tribal times,
Colonization by the Roman Empire,
The Roman Empire leaving the peoples of Britain "To their own devices",
The feudal period (Picts, Celts, etc)
The Viking incursions,
The fall of Harold at the Battle of Hastings & the ascension of William the Conqueror,
Henry 2nd and the slaying of Thomas Becket,
Richard the Lion-Heart,
The Magna Carta,
The peasant's Revolt,
The Wars of the Roses,
The rule of Henry 8th,
The rule of "Bloody" Mary,

OH SOD IT, I CAN'T GO ON!! THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH!!

[SandyB]

Well. . . that was. . . different.
I can honestly say I've never heard it told that way.
Rest assured there are equally exaggerated and partly-inaccurate recounts of the history and origins of the UK.
Like how you forced the Scots into subjugation, killed thousands of people (well, so has the US), eat smoked fish for breakfast and think that tea is far superior to coffee. . .
SERIOUSLY you guys?! You're savages! I mean, who eats fish for breakfast!?

The sad truth is that many countries around the world aren't entirely blameless. For example, Spain sending Conquistadors to Latin America where they ruthlessly slaughtered the Aztecs and the Incas. Or the horrific homo-phobic laws that govern African countries like Uganda. I could even mention the rule of Joseph Stalin during the days of the old Soviet Union. The list goes on.

Let's just say that we can debate this issue until the cows come home and both sides of this argument can bring up some very interesting points of view. So my final word is this: America isn't perfect, Britain isn't perfect, but then again what is besides Redwall?     

[The Skarzs]

First off, what I said was only poking fun; you lot have no sense of humor. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU LAUGH!
LAUGH!!

BTW, what is taught nowadays about the Conquistadors is not accurate. If you ask me about it, you will be walking into a debate. Just a warning.
Fun fact about the Aztecs: they ripped 50 to 100 people's hearts out every day to sacrifice to Quetzalcoatl. Lovely.

I have not doubts about all countries being faulted; in fact, I wholeheartedly agree with you that every single country is imperfect. Nothing on earth is perfect.
Except Redwall.

[Cornflower MM]

Perfect, Sandy! Just perfect!

I had a very nice Fourth, if anyone wants to know. I saw a sister I last saw in June. And some grandparents I haven't seen since May. And a different sister whom I hadn't since since last week. We played Mexican Train Game (Very fun) and Pictionary. Now, Pictionary was FUN!! A good time and a barrel of laughs is guaranteed when you play that game with this family.....AND, only two more days until a visit from an aunt and a cousin (With any family they feel like dragging along. I ope they bring my uncle. I haven't seen him in forever.) that I haven't seen in a year!!! And to top this MARVELOUS day off, my router decided that it was time MY computer had Internet again!

[Jetthebinturong]

First off, what I said was only poking fun; you lot have no sense of humor. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU LAUGH!
LAUGH!!

BTW, what is taught nowadays about the Conquistadors is not accurate. If you ask me about it, you will be walking into a debate. Just a warning.
Fun fact about the Aztecs: they ripped 50 to 100 people's hearts out every day to sacrifice to Quetzalcoatl. Lovely.

I have not doubts about all countries being faulted; in fact, I wholeheartedly agree with you that every single country is imperfect. Nothing on earth is perfect.
Except Redwall.

The Aztecs may have been savages but that doesn't mean the Conquistadors weren't

Fun fact: The Aztecs thought Hernan Cortes (sp?) was Quetzalcoatl and invited him to a peace conference where the Spanish slaughtered all the Aztecs. They also toppled their religion and introduced them to foreign diseases which many died of. Do not tell me the Conquistadors are good people, DO NOT

[Cornflower MM]

Interesting fact, Jet......Rather a morbid one, but interesting.

[Jukka the Sling]

Do not tell me the Conquistadors are good people, DO NOT

There there, Jet, calm down. Take a deep breath. Before you chide Skarzs on the perceived evils of the Conquistadors, don't forget that they were doing what "they felt to be right for them." Remember, if there's no God, there's no right or wrong, only opinion. So who are you to say whether they were bad or not?

[SandyB]

The Aztecs may have been savages but that doesn't mean the Conquistadors weren't

Fun fact: The Aztecs thought Hernan Cortes (sp?) was Quetzalcoatl and invited him to a peace conference where the Spanish slaughtered all the Aztecs. They also toppled their religion and introduced them to foreign diseases which many died of. Do not tell me the Conquistadors are good people, DO NOT

Easy gents...