Strangers at Redwall (crackfic) - Winner of the RAFF Atypical Award!

[Faiyloe]

Oh I Love it, I think you did an amazing job of portraying me. 

@Rach: You have probably killed more characters in the Gadna RP than all of the other RPs put to gather XP... I have only ever killed one character in RP and I was planing on killing another but then I changed my mind XP (Won't tell you who it was)

[Jukka the Sling]

Thank you, Faiy!

@Rach:  O_o

[rachel25]

Yeah.....I especially feel bad after what just been going on with Drake. I'm sorry.

I can't wait for the next chapter!! New one please!!!!

[Captain Tammo]

I think I have some catching up to do on this story! I'm looking forward to sitting down and re-reading this one

[Vilu Daskar]

Congratulations, you have the honor of writing the first FanFiction I've actually read. I like the Abbot.

[Jukka the Sling]

The first?  Thanks!

Haha.  I should try to include Riphley more in future chapters.  (By the way, in case it isn't clear, it's pronounced 'Riffly'.

[rachel25]

Okay, got that. But more please! 

[Delthion]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!! I COME BACK AND THERE IS ANOTHER CHAPTER HERE!!!!!!!

[Jukka the Sling]

  I'm glad you liked it so much!  I need to get to work on the next chapter (instead, I've been working on some Silmarillion fanfics lately...).

Okay, got that. But more please! 

It'll come eventually. XD

[Delthion]

Not as long as last time please!

[Jukka the Sling]

Here's the eighth chapter, which I decided to finally get on to and pounded out last night and today.  I don't think it's as hilariously funny as some of the others, and it's a little slower, but I hope you all like it!

And I hope Skarzs isn't offended by his portrayal.  Lol.

Chapter Eight

"Burn them in the fire they started!"

The words seemed to hover in the air.  The three forumers froze in horror as the vermin grabbed them tightly by the arms and prepared to drag them away towards the flames.

"HEY!" someone shouted.

Ash whirled.  "It's Soren!"

"Let them go or you're gonna regret it!" Soren yelled.  He was standing between the tents, breathing heavily, a dangerous glint in his eyes.
Maska blinked, then elbowed Masko.  "Hey," she whispered, "if Soren can distract them, maybe we can all make a break for it!"

"Got it," Masko hissed back, and relayed it to Ash.

The pine marten leader stared and then began to laugh mockingly.  "And what could a young beast like you hope to do for your friends?"
Too late he realized that one should never enrage a badger, even one who has only been a badger for approximately an hour and a half.  With a feral shriek, Soren charged, his eyes glazed with red.

"This is seriously not good!" Masko gritted out, before he yanked out of the shocked vermin's grip and ran for it, his internet twin and Ash close on his heels.

Behind them, Soren bashed two ferrets' heads together and flung them into a tent, before rushing blindly at the marten leader.  Unfortunately, the pine marten actually had a good head on his shoulders (which was why he was the leader), and moving swiftly, he grabbed a heavy pole and slammed it down on Soren's head.  The hapless teen crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

"Get the others, you imbeciles!" the pine marten (whose name was Randy) screamed at his minions.

Ash, Masko, and Maska suddenly found themselves cornered by a score of vermin as they ran down an avenue of tents.  Kicking and muttering angrily, they were dragged back to Randy.  He glared at them balefully.

"Don't think you're all so smart now, do ya?"  Thoughtfully he stroked his chin, and then his green eyes lit up wickedly.  "I know!"  He gave a cackle.  "I'm gonna send you to an old pal o' mine north o' here who runs the... games."

"G-games?" Ash asked, torn between amusement at the ridiculousness of his situation and horror at the danger it potentially held.

"Yeah, games.  Gladiator fights."  He leered wickedly.  "I'll escort you there myself."  He looked up.  "Bodyguards, assemble!"

Masko felt his heart drop into his stomach.  Fortunately, that was just a metaphor, otherwise he would be dead.  "What now?" he asked Maska.

"I don't know.  We'll just have to try to get away, but we can't leave Soren while he's knocked out and in danger, so..."  She bit her lip.

And then, about ten minutes later, they were dragged away again.  Well, technically they were walking, but about two vermin were on either side pulling them along if they stumbled even slightly.  Maska would have rolled her eyes if she hadn't been concentrated on thinking hard.  Her two friends were also thinking, and  behind them, the limp body of Soren was being dragged by several vermin on a piece of tent canvas.

~oOo~

As soon as the forumers at the Abbey saw Lilianna through the window, Skarzs shoved the sword under the rug.  But he knew it was too late.  The creepy squirrelmaid had undoubtedly seen them, and that couldn't mean anything good.

A second later her face disappeared from the glass, and there was a knock on the door.

"Um, what should I do?" Russa asked, since she was nearest the door.  "Should we let her in?"

"I don't know!" Rachel hissed helplessly.

Everyone whispered together for a moment, and then decided that there wasn't really a choice. Russa opened the door.  "Um, hi!"
Lilianna walked in.  "Hello, all."  She looked around.  Everyone was smiling stiffly and quietly preparing to run.  "Did... I see the sword of Martin on the floor?"

"No," Skarzs said, grinning unnaturally with his sharp cougar teeth set together.  Tam privately thought he looked like a very ticked-off shark.
Lilianna walked right over to Skarzs and stopped in front of him.  "I know you have it.  But why?" She stomped her footpaw down on a rather conspicuous lump under the braided rug.

Skarzs let out an exasperated sigh.  "Fine.  Yes, we do have it."  He looked over her shoulder and met Corny's eyes, jerking from her to the Mary Sue and trying to indicate to his friend that she was supposed to tackle Lilianna before she could escape and tell the rest of the Redwallers.  Corny looked a bit puzzled, but then elbowed Rachel and indicated what they had to do.  Several others got the memo as well and subtly tightened the circle around the two in the gloom of the Gatehouse.

Lilianna seemed totally oblivious.  "What are you doing with it?"

"Um... we have a quest," Skarzs explained.  Come on, guys... Sudden inspiration hit him.  Before Lilianna could respond, he added, "Oh, by the way, have you heard of anything around Mossflower called a greenstone or anything like that?"

The Mary Sue didn't bat an eye once she'd heard about their quest.  "I'm coming with you.  You need someone as powerful as I on this mission, whatever it may be.  And yes, I have indeed heard of the greenstone.  In fact, I've been to it myself.  It is a large rock out in eastern Mossflower."
"Wait- you're coming with us?!" Del practically screeched, and then broke down laughing. And then that turned into a cough as dust from the multitudes of ancient books swirled into his lungs.   Tam pounded him on the back.  There was an awkward silence before Lilianna answered.

"Why, yes," she said smoothly.

Skarzs would have told her that no, she couldn't, but some weird force stopped him.  Almost as if... there was a strange magic about this squirrel.  "Alright," he said, and then wondered why he had.  Everyone stared at him with their mouths open, and Faiy looked oddly disappointed or mad or jealous or something.

"Um, why are we taking her?" Jukka burst out.

"Yeah, she's with the Redwallers!" Amber exclaimed.

"We need her help," Skarzs said, which was true, because she apparently knew her way around Mossflower, but surely they could've accomplished this without the aid of a saccharine-sweet squirrelmaid.  Why had he even said that?  Oh well.  What was said was said.  He pulled the sword out from under the rug, stuck it in its sheath, and belted it around his waist. "So, are we leaving?"

Lilianna smiled. "Yes.  Let's go.  Come on, everyone."

"Who put her in charge all of a sudden?" Corny muttered under her breath, shooting glares in Skarzs's direction.  Something was not right here, and she knew it.

So did everyone else.  But they followed Skarzs and Lilianna out the Gatehouse door anyway.  They crossed the sun-splashed lawns in the open since the skies were officially free of arrows, and Lilianna started singing merrily.  She apparently thought it was really melodious, but in actuality her voice was so shrill it caused the forumers to wince and ruptured the innocent eardrums of a passing crow. The crow fluttered to earth and collapsed in pain, and that is the last we shall hear of it in this story.

As soon as they stepped outside of the Abbey walls, Lilianna looked around cautiously and then plunged into the woods, the forumers in tow.

[The Skarzs]

Heh heh heh hah hah hah! Another amusing chapter, Jukka.

I'm just gonna quote some things and comment them, if you don't mind.

"Tam privately thought he looked like a very ticked-off shark."
LOL. That is definitely how Tam would react, I think. Oh man, he's active again! He's gotta read this.

"Del practically screeched, and then broke down laughing. And then that turned into a cough as dust from the multitudes of ancient books swirled into his lungs.   Tam pounded him on the back."
Oh, our cellars antics. . . They are so at home in this fanfic.

"Masko felt his heart drop into his stomach.  Fortunately, that was just a metaphor, otherwise he would be dead."
Such wisdom.

". . . ruptured the innocent eardrums of a passing crow. The crow fluttered to earth and collapsed in pain, and that is the last we shall hear of it in this story."
For some reason these off-the-wall and unrelated blips that pop up are very amusing and add to the story's personality. Usually it would be sloppy writing, but they fit into the overall feel of this work.

And then there's the whole Lilianna thing. . . What are you trying to do to me?! Faiy and Corn are going to skin me alive. . . WITH FRYING PANS! Do you have any idea how painful that is going to be?

[Jukka the Sling]

I don't mind your comments at all!  They seriously made my day.  I am SO GLAD you liked this chapter!!!

And... I have no idea what I'm doing to you.  Lilianna apparently has some Sueish quality that makes people act OOC and go out of their way to help her (that's actually a common and unintentional trait of genuine Mary Sues).  So, yeah, and I have no idea what's gonna happen with you and her.  Maybe Faiy should start a catfight.

[James Gryphon]

She's going to get killed, right?

[Jukka the Sling]

I'm not sure.   I remember that you did suggest that, and maybe it's a good idea 'cause it's so cliche.