My brother's Hobbit crackfic

[Delthion]

I still don't agree that they are Maiar. But okay...

[Izeroth]

 They're about as Maiar-y as it gets. Sauron is also a Maiar, on a side-note.

[Delthion]

I don't think that the wizards are Maiar. I know that Sauron was though.

[James Gryphon]

It stated they were, fairly plainly, in the Silmarillion.

[Delthion]

I need to read that again. But before that, I still think that they aren't Maiar.

[James Gryphon]

The main notes about Gandalf in the Silmarillion. Bold emphasis mine.

"Wisest of the Maiar was Olórin. He too dwelt in Lórien, but his ways took him often to the house of Nienna, and of her he learned pity and patience."

Mithrandir: 'The Grey Pilgrim', Elvish name of Gandalf (Olórin), one of the Istari (Wizards)
Olórin: A Maia, one of the Istari (Wizards); see Mithrandir, Gandalf, and cf. The Two Towers IV 5: 'Olórin I was in my youth in the West that is forgotten'. 25-6

[Jukka the Sling]

Chapter Eight

While they were swimming to Lake-town Tauriel felt something.

"Stop touching me with your Elvish feet, Legolas!" she screamed.

"That wasn't me!" he shouted.

"Then who was it?" she asked.

"Well, I don't know!" said Legolas.

Just then a giant Elvish shark popped out of the water!

"Aaaaaaahhh!" he screamed. "What is it?!"

"Well, duh!" shouted Tauriel. "Haven't you seen it on the Elvish news? It's an Elvish shark!"

"Oh," replied Legolas.

Just then the Elvish shark grabbed Legolas with its Elvish teeth and was about to eat him with his Elvish mouth!

"Help, somebody!"  screamed Legolas as he was about to get eaten by the Elvish shark.

"Ask Gandalf," said Tauriel

"Ok," said Legolas. "Gandalf, help!"

"Ok," said Gandalf.

So Gandalf shot a blast of magic at the Elvish shark. It instantly fell dead. After that Legolas fell down and hit his Elvish head on the ground!

Poor Legolas got two Elvish goose eggs on his Elvish head.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" he screamed. "My Elvish head has two Elvish goose eggs on it!"

"Who cares?!" shouted Tauriel. "My Elvish scabs from my Elvish cuts are worse!"

Just then they started to get frostbite.

"I-m f-freezing," said Radagast.

"Who allowed you to talk?!" yelled Legolas.

When they finally got to Lake-town they all had frostbite!

So they had to find a nice cozy house.

The first house they tried was a random fisherman's house. So they knocked on the door and when the door opened it had that horrible creaking sound as old doors do.

When it finally opened an old dude came out. The old dude said, "Good evening, little masters. If you're seeking accommodation we've got some nice cozy Elvish rooms for you. Mr., uh..."

"Elvish Dude," replied Legolas. "My name's Elvish Dude."

"Oh, Elvish Dude," said the fisherman in a weird whisper.

When they went into their cozy Elvish rooms, Legolas got in his pajamas that had feet in them.

Tauriel slept in the room next door.

[Lady Amber]

This is hilarious!

[Mhera]

This is hilarious!

^^^^^

[Jukka the Sling]

Chapter Nine

While they were sleeping in their cozy Elvish rooms, a few Orcs popped in.

There were tons of different Orcs. There were big Orcs, there were small Orcs, there were fat Orcs, there were skinny Orcs.

So many different Orcs!

As all the different Orcs popped in, Legolas did a backflip in midair and shot three arrows just to look cool.

Tauriel threw one of her Elvish daggers at an Orc, and Radagast was so ugly that just by looking at one it would die!

Just then the fisherman came in. "What's happening here, little masters?"  he asked.

"Oh, stuff," replied Legolas.

"We're just doing our daily exercise," said Tauriel.

Suddenly an army of cavetrolls popped in the room!

"No more than a hundred, I'll take care of them."

Suddenly a cavetroll grabbed Tauriel!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" she screamed. "Save me!"

"Oh no!" shouted Legolas. "The cavetroll's got Tauriel!"

"Go save her!" yelled Gandalf.

"Ok," replied Legolas.

So Legolas took his Elvish belt off, wrapped it around the cavetroll's hand, swung onto its shoulders and shot four arrows into its head.

It instantly fell dead.

Legolas floated down with Tauriel in his arms.

"You saved me," said Tauriel. "How can I ever repay you?"

"Well..." said Legolas, "you can start by combing your Elvish hair - it's a mess!"

"I can't," replied Tauriel. "The whole reason I came out here was because I wanted to find an Elvish comb and a wee Elvish hairbrush!"

"What?!" screamed Legolas. "That's all you set out for?!"

"Um... yeah," said Tauriel.

"How lame!" shouted Legolas.

"I set out to find love," said Gandalf.

"Same here," replied Radagast.

"Oh," said Legolas.

[Izeroth]

 I love how he keeps putting Elvish in front of everything 

[Mhera]

Once again, hilarious

[Jukka the Sling]

My brother actually decided to write another chapter after all this time.

Also, he's deliberately making this as ridiculous as possible.  I'm sure he could write something serious if he really tried.

Chapter Ten

The next day Legolas, Gandalf, and Radagast left Lake-town and went to  get some shade under a tree. In the meantime Tauriel went to wash up by the river.

"Hey stinker, don't get too far ahead," said Gandalf.

"Why do you do that?" asked Legolas.

"Do what?" replied Gandalf.

"Call her names, run her down all the time."

"Because," said Gandalf, "that's what she is, Mr. Legolas. There's naught left in her but lies and deceit."

Legolas thought long and hard. "Hmmm," he said.

When he was done thinking, he said, "Ok, everybody, I'm done thinking!"

Just then he saw Gandalf and Radagast conked out on the hard rocky ground.

"How do people sleep like that?" Legolas said.

Suddenly he knew something wasn't right. He looked up at the sky. The coloring in it wasn't right. Just then he realized that there were stars in the sky. Legolas thought for a moment. Just then he realized that it was night.

"Aaaah!" he screamed aloud. Suddenly he saw Tauriel sitting by the pond.

He slowly walked to her. He was just about to sit down when he stumbled on a small rock and fell into the pond!

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!" squealed Tauriel.  Then she climbed up the sheer rock cliff near Gandalf and Radagast, then triggered a rock slide.
If it wasn't for the noise Gandalf and Radagast would never have woken up and gotten out of the way!

Once they got out of the way Gandalf and Radagast were enraged.  "Blimey," said Radagast. "You almost crushed Sebastian!"

"So?" said Tauriel.

In short notice a pack of Orcs and Wargs popped in!

Immediately our four heroes jumped to the rescue! Legolas took out his epic Elven bow and shot three arrows at once while Tauriel threw her lethal Elven daggers.

Sebastian charged at the Orcs and Wargs, utterly frightening them.  Watching, Legolas and Tauriel were in something between shrill terror and pure fright.

After all the Orcs were scared off by Sebastian our four heroes settled down for the night.

[Lady Amber]

"Hey stinker, don't get too far ahead," said Gandalf.

"Why do you do that?" asked Legolas.

"Do what?" replied Gandalf.

"Call her names, run her down all the time."

"Because," said Gandalf, "that's what she is, Mr. Legolas. There's naught left in her but lies and deceit."

This part is hilarious! I actually laughed out loud!

[The Shadow of Korriban]

Why did I write this!?