My brother's Hobbit crackfic

[Jukka the Sling]

So, my eight-year-old brother has been writing a goofy story about Legolas and Tauriel (the latter's from the Hobbit movies, which you probably already knew). He wanted me to post it here, so if you want to read it, here's what he's written so far (with spelling corrections by yours truly):

Chapter One

Legolas Greenleaf was a young lad of 100 years old. Wherever he looked he could see Elf-maidens running after him trying to see him up close.

It was always bad for Legolas because he had no idea what they were going to do to him. Either kiss him for five hours or hug him for ten hours!

One day Legolas asked his father, Thranduil, if if all of the Mirkwood Elves could move away from the other odd Elves who kept on running after him. Let's just hear what Legolas said:

"Hey, uh, dad?"

"Yes, son?"

"Can we pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease move away from these creepy Elves that keep running after me?"

"No, son," said Thranduil, "we have lived here so long we can't move now."

"Fine, whatever," Legolas said. Then he went out of the room.

The next day Legolas thought of a great idea! The Mirkwood Elves didn't have to move away - he would move away! That sounded like a great idea to Legolas.

So he started packing. He waited till morning so that the odd Elf-maidens wouldn't chase after him.

So, the next day he got up at six o'clock in the morning and left. He felt much better when he left.

Just then he heard one of the Elf-maidens say, "There he is! After him!" So all the Elf-maids ran after Legolas.

"Aaaaaaahh!" cried Legolas as he ran along. Legolas got out of Mirkwood and ran all the way to Lake-town; then he went into the Shire. Legolas succeeded in getting away from the maidens.

But he was lost; he had no idea where he was. I mean, wouldn't it be horrible if you were lost in the Shire? Well, it would be for me. Anyway, let's just get back to Legolas.

Um, just to let you know, there is a sign that says 'Shire', so Legolas knows where he is.

"Just great!" yelled Legolas, "I'm lost in the Shire, and of course I just happen to go in circles! Well, at least it can't get any worse."

Just then it instantly started raining. Legolas started to cry.  

"Why me? Why me?" sobbed Legolas.

"Why are you crying?" asked an awesome voice.

"Who said that?!" he asked.

Just then he saw an awesome-looking Elf. She had epic red hair and a beautiful Elvish face.

"Baby, I like meeting a redhead," Legolas said aloud.

"Oh, well..." said the redheaded Elf, "my name is Tauriel. "What's yours?"

"My name is Lego."

"Your name is Lego?" said Tauriel.

"Oh, I mean Legolas."

"Oh, um... well, my name is Tauriel," said Tauriel again.

"Awkward!" said Legolas. "Why are you out here anyway?"

"Well, why are you out here?" asked Tauriel.

"Well, why are you here?" asked Legolas again.

"Oh, just be quiet," said Tauriel.

"Um, anyway... I was just uh... wondering if you would like to um... come uh.... with me in the woods?" asked Legolas.

"Are you lost around here?" said Tauriel.

"No, why would I be, um...lost?"

"Uh...I don't know. It just seems like you might be," said Tauriel.

"If I say I'm lost will you come with me?" asked Legolas.

"Uh... I guess so," said Tauriel.

So off they went. Do they seem like a good match to you? Anyway, let's find out what happens in chapter two!

Chapter Two

The next day they started to get really, really hungry.

"Do you have anything to eat?" asked Tauriel.

"No, I didn't pack anything," said Legolas.

"Why didn't you pack anything?!" asked Tauriel.

"Well, why didn't you pack anything?!" asked Legolas.

"Oh, just be quiet," said Tauriel.

"Hey! What's that sound?" asked Legolas.

Just then they saw a stream. "Come on, let's go!" he said.

As they were running along, Legolas tripped over on a root. "Go on, Tauriel!" he said. "Go on without me."

"I won't leave you!" replied Tauriel.

"Oh, just go on!" said Legolas.

"Okay," said Tauriel.

So Tauriel went to get Legolas some water. She thought to herself, "Why did I even agree to go with this guy? I mean, he's kind of odd. Maybe I should run away... but that would break his heart! You know what? I won't run away. I mean, who knows what the poor guy had gone through."

When she came back to Legolas, he wasn't even lying down.

"Why aren't you lying down?" asked Tauriel.

"Um... because I'm not really hurt now."

"You were never really hurt, were you?" said Tauriel.

Legolas said back, "Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. Who knows, I could've been hurt."

"Whatever," said Tauriel. "Here, have some water."

Just then they heard a sound in the bushes.

"What's that?" said Tauriel.

"Well, I don't know," said Legolas, "it could be anything."

Tauriel went to see what it was. Just then an Orc jumped out of the bush. Tauriel immediately grabbed her knife and stabbed the Orc but then she saw more coming!

"Legolas!" she yelled, "get your bow and arrows!"

"Sure, honey,"  said Legolas.

He got his bow and arrows and shot five Orcs but there were still tons more. Legolas only had a few more arrows left when a flash of light came shooting past their faces.

Poor old Legolas - the light whizzed past so fast that it made all his hair frizzy!

"No!" yelled Legolas. "My poor hair! What happened to it?!"

"Well, I don't know!" said Tauriel; "it was probably that light that whizzed past!"

Just then the light turned into a wizard named Gandalf!

"Who are you?" asked Legolas.

"I'm a wizard. My name's Gandalf."

The wizard had a big grey beard.

"Then help us!" said Legolas.

"Okay," said the wizard. So he killed tons of Orcs, but there were still a bunch left.

"Charge! Kill them all!" he yelled.

"Charge!" yelled Legolas. "Kill them all!"

[BlueRose]

I think your brother and I would get along quite well.

In other words, this is BRILLIANT.

[Jukka the Sling]

My brother was like "Yay!" when I told him.

[Gonff the Mousethief]

Man, this is good! I love the creativity of your your little bro, and his enthusiasm for The Hobbit! Tell him great job!! 

[Rusvul]

Hm. Are you sure you didn't impersonsate your brother- If he really exists (dun dun DUUUN)- for the sake of... writing a... silly story?

Hey, what can I say, I'm... actually not a conspiracy theorist. But it might be fun to pretend to be one for a while.


Regardless, this is silly. And good.

[Ungatt Trunn]

WE'RE BE CHAPTER THREE??? Ask your bro to make the third chapter, Jukka, cause this is awesome!

[Maudie]

Your brother is a genius! xD

[Jukka the Sling]

I'll tell him!

Hm. Are you sure you didn't impersonsate your brother- If he really exists (dun dun DUUUN)- for the sake of... writing a... silly story?

Hey, what can I say, I'm... actually not a conspiracy theorist. But it might be fun to pretend to be one for a while.


Regardless, this is silly. And good.

No, my brother actually wrote this. I made a few very minor changes with his permission, or suggested changes, but this is his crackfic. And I've mentioned my brother before, on Skarzs' metal works thread. Of course, I can't prove to you that this is his writing, so I guess you'll have to take my word for it.

I think he's pretty good with parody myself. Lol, last night I read the whole thing aloud to my mom and siblings, and everyone was laughing their heads off.

[Lady Amber]

One word: Hilarious!

[Jukka the Sling]

My bro's written another (pretty short) chapter!

Chapter Three

While they were charging, another ball of light whizzed past and again Legolas's hair got all frizzy!

"Well, this is just great!" yelled Legolas. "What is the meaning of life and death?!"

"Stop moping about your hair and fight!" yelled Tauriel.

"Oh, shut up!" shouted Legolas.

Just then, the light turned into another wizard.

"My name is Radagast," said the wizard.

"You know what?" said Legolas, "if one more flash of light comes whizzing past my hair I am going to-"

"-Fight!" said the wizard.

"Oh, shut up!" yelled Legolas.

"I find your lack of patience disturbing," said Radagast.

"I do not enjoy you," said Legolas, "and what's with that bird poop on your beard anyway?"

"Um..." said Radagast, "because I, uh... because I'm a wizard..."

Suddenly an Orc nearly chopped off his head, but thankfully since he was a wizard he made this force-field-ring-thingy around him.

"When will these Orcs stop?" asked Tauriel.

"Well, I don't know," said Legolas, Gandalf, and Radagast at the same time.

"T'is a good fight," said the ruler of the Orcs, who was standing there.

"What a lame thing to say," replied Tauriel.

"Uh... yeah, it is kind of a lame thing to say. Um... how about this: you shall never defeat us and if you do, um... I'm just pretending that you will win. Anyway-"

Just then, with one swoop, Gandalf killed the Orc leader guy with his staff, and the rest ran away.

"Aaaaaaaahh!" they screamed as they were running along.

This is kind of a sudden ending for a chapter, but whatever.

[Rusvul]

Geez! Radagast can do an immediate action mage armor spell? What kind of level do you have to be to do that kind of thing? That's incredible! You never get impulse actions like that!! Unless... He could have cast 'Contingency: When I am attacked, Mage Armor.' That would work. But contingency is a pretty high level spell.

[Jukka the Sling]

XD

[Ungatt Trunn]

I just laughed so hard at the part were Radagast lost his head

[Jukka the Sling]

Nearly lost his head.

[Ungatt Trunn]

Nearly lost his head.

Well I was close!