The (rather pointless) Redwall Forum Show

[Tiria Wildlough]

Here is something I wrote up recently. I thought you guys would like it. It's dead silly, though:

The Redwall Forum Show
Just Stuff
Redwall Musician: (In a whisper) Is everyone here?
Nightfire: Ssshh! They can hear us!
Tiria Wildlough: Who is 'they'? And are we on the air yet?
Redwall Musician: No—I mean, yes! Hello, guys, and welcome to the first installment of the Redwall Forum Show. We have four members here to talk: Nightfire the black squirrel, HeadInAnotherGalaxy the weasel, Tiria Wildlough the otterqueen, and Skalrag of Marshank the fox. Welcome, guys, and thanks for volunteering to be on here. Please introduce yourselves properly.
Nightfire: I am Nightfire, mercenary squirrelqueen, and descendant of Ranguvar Foeseeker.
HiAG: Huh!
Redwall Musician: You wanted to say something, Head?
HiAG: No, nothing.
Tiria Wildlough: I am Tiria Wildlough, High Rhulain of Green Isle.
HiAG: And I'm just another weasel.
Skalrag of Marshank: Just another fox here.
Redwall Musician: Oh, come on, guys. You can do better than that.
Skalrag of Marshank: OK, I'm Skalrag of Marshank, the fox in Martin the Warrior...
Tiria Wildlough: ...and Badrang's lackey...
Skalrag of Marshank: ...and they tickled him to death in the TV show. How embarrassing!
Tiria Wildlough: I knoooww. I was watching it on YouTube, and I skipped that part.
HiAG: I'm serious, I'm just another weasel.
Nightfire: He's a highlander leasel.
HiAG: What on earth is a Leasel?
Skalrag of Marshank: It's a lizard-weasel.
Nightfire: Or a wizard. Or a lizzle. Buahahahahaa!
Tiria Wildlough: Nightey! Don't do that. You made me jump.
Nightfire: No one but Martha Braebuck is allowed to call me Nightey without dying a slow and painful death!
Tiria Wildlough: Ooh, help, I'm dying! It hurts soooo much!
Nightfire: *Grabs dirk* Yes, you are dying.
Tiria Wildlough: *Loads sling with a stone* I'll whokk you over the head if you do that.
Redwall Musician: Guys! This is rated G! Nightfire, no slow and painful deaths. Tiria, no whokking over the head. 'K?
Nightfire: OK. *Puts away dirk*
Tiria Wildlough: Oh, fine. But put one paw on that dirk, an' you die the death of Cludd. *Paws otter javelin*
Skalrag of Marshank: That's morbid.
HiAG: Temper, temper.
Nightfire: It's not a temper, it's just that I don't like people calling me Nightey.
Skalrag of Marshank: Anyone try calling me Skalsy and they'll learn how ferocious a fox can be.
Tiria Wildlough: I will not call you Skalsy. Foxes can be ferocious. Squirrels can not.
Nightfire: *Trains an arrow on Tiria* Alright, that's it!
Tiria Wildlough: *Starts whirling sling* Otters can be pretty ferocious, as you'll find out if you keep pointing that arrow at me.
HiAG: I'm not in this.
Nightfire: You'd better not be.
Tiria Wildlough: (In a warning tone) Just one more tug of the bowstring will do it...
Redwall Musician: Guys! Do I have to separate you? This was supposed to be rated G, but I don't know what I'm going to do now!
Nightfire: Sorry. I'll stop. *Puts away bow and looks primly at Tiria* I am trusting my friend the High Rhulain here to do the same.
Tiria Wildlough: *Rolls eyes* Alright, I will. But Nightfire, I think you have too many weapons?
Nightfire: Too many weapons? Why, I should—
Redwall Musician: GUYS! Please stop bickering!
Skalrag of Marshank: I should have known better than to volunteer for this.
HiAG: Me too. Specially because Nightfire is in the deal.
Tiria Wildlough: She emailed Slagar the Cruel asking for advice on another weapon. She threatened to murder him, too. Maybe she actually did, because I emailed him, and he still hasn't answered.
Skalrag of Marshank: Why did they have to close down the website? Why?
Tiria Wildlough: I don't know what on earth possessed them to do that. It was an awesome website. I never got a chance to see it when it was active.
Nighfire: Maybe Slagar was getting old. Buahahahahaa!
HiAG: Noooo. Slagar couldn't get old...could he?
Tiria Wildlough: He might get old with worry if Nightfire keeps threatening him.
Nightfire: The coward! He hides wherever he is, and doesn't answer our questions. Stinking coward!
Redwall Musician: Watch your language.
Tiria Wildlough: Our questions? That's alright for you to say, he actually answered you!
HiAG: He was probably afraid not to.
Tiria Wildlough: You could be right. I sent him an email bugging him to read High Rhulain.
Nightfire: That's weak.
Tiria Wildlough: Who are you calling weak, Nightfire?
Redwall Musician: OK! I think that has to be it for our session, because the black squirrel and the otter are getting ready to fight—watch out! Get out of the way!
'Ee aye eeeh!'
'Yayalahooo!'
CRASH!
THE END.

[DanielofRedwall]

Hahaha, that's pretty funny!

[Nightfire]

I think you portrayed me perfectly. Buahahahaha!!!!! Will this be like Mosflower Talk, with many episodes? Because I like it. It's hilarious.

[Icefire]

ROFL!!!! That was PERFECT!!!   The only thing missing was HiaG's accent, but other than that you portrayed them all perfectly!

[Redwall Musician]

Wow! I hosted a talk show! How weird, it's one of those many thing I want to do.

[Tiria Wildlough]

Thanks guys! I didn't think anyone would actually like this.
I might do another one, but I'll have to think of it first!

[Nightfire]

Hey, invite Slagar the Cruel onto your talk show!!! 

[Icefire]

Hey, invite Slagar the Cruel onto your talk show!!! 

lol That would be hilarious!

[Tiria Wildlough]

So, I did! Here ya go:

The Redwall Forum Show
Slagar the Cruel Special
Redwall Musician: Hello and welcome to the Redwall Forum Show! Today we will be interviewing Slagar the Cruel, that infamous slaver from Mattimeo. Welcome, Slagar!
(Applause)
Slagar: *Bows* Thankyou, thankyou, it was nothing, my pleasure.
Nightfire: Oh, man. My opinion of him has gone down already. Will you look at that, he's milking the praise like no tomorrow!
Slagar: My dear squirrel, there will be no tomorrow for you if you don't put away that dirk.
Nightfire: Wha—look how he talks to me! I'm a lifelong fan!
Tiria Wildlough: That's what comes of trying to impress villains, which is why I don't do it.
HiAG: Hey, Slagar, where did you get that flail thing of yours?
Slagar: That's none of your business.
Tiria Wildlough: Is it true that your twirly thingy can cripple someone for life?
Slagar: My dear otter, call it a twirly thingy one more time, and I will turn you into a twirly thingy. Understood?
Tiria Wildlough: Redwall Musician, I though he came here to be interviewed, not to threaten people!
Redwall Musician: You have a point. Slagar, put away that flail before somebeast gets hurt!
Slagar: Oh, fine. But...can you please stop these annoying little twerps from pestering the crumb out of me?
HiAG: I'm not a twerp, and, as far as I know, you didn't have a crumb in the first place.
Slagar: Excuse me!
Redwall Musician: Subject change, please?
Tiria Wildlough: Why did you decide to become a slaver in the first place?
Slagar: So I could take revenge on Matthias, of course!
[Door crashes open and Skalrag of Marshank bursts in]
Skalrag of Marshank: Sorry, guys, I'm late! I had homework...and...well, it's kind of a long story. Sorry!
Redwall Musician: That's okay. I was wondering when you'd show up. Welcome! We are interviewing Slagar the Cruel.
Skalrag of Marshank: Ooh, goody, another fox! Slagar, what are your thoughts on Skalrag?
Slagar: He's a wimp. End of story.
HiAG: Don't mind Slagar, he's been ticking us off ever since he set foot in here.
Slagar: It's Slagar the Cruel to you.
Tiria Wildlough: Too much of a mouthful.
Slagar: What if I called you just Tiria?
Tiria Wildlough: Everyone does.
Nightfire: And don't you dare call me Nightey, or you will die a slow and painful death.
Slagar: And why not? Don't think for a second that you could defeat me in single combat; I could lay you low with one paw behind my back!
Nightfire: It's not my fault that your little toy only takes one paw.
Slagar: IT'S NOT A TOY!
Tiria Wildlough: Can you do your awesome laugh for us?
Slagar: I don't give away laughs for nothing. What about the otterclan's warsong? Can you sing that?
Tiria Wildlough: But you don't give away laughs for a song. *giggle*
Nightfire: Pleeease do your laugh. I know how to do it, listen: Buahahahahaa!
Slagar: A poor imitation.
HiAG: Show her how it's done.
Slagar: I am not inclined to entertain a group of silly Dibbuns, my dear weasel.
Nightfire: I don't see any 'dear weasels' round here. *snickers*
Skalrag of Marshank: Hey, Slagar! What's your thoughts on baby bankvoles?
Slagar: Next question.
Tiria Wildlough: Why did you want to take revenge on Matthias in particular? It was Asmodeus who ruined your good looks.
HiAG: Who said Slagar had any good looks?
Slagar: That's none of your business. I make my own decisions.
Nightfire: Baby Bankvoles! Heeheehee.
Skalrag of Marshank: Oh, and Slagar, would you...umm...ahh...would you...?
Slagar: Would I what?
Skalrag of Marshank: Never mind.
Tiria Wildlough: (In a whisper to Nightfire) I think I liked him better when he was Chickenhound.
Slagar: WHAT? WHO SAID CHICKENHOUND?
Tiria Wildlough: *snigger* No, nothing. But while we're on the subject, why did you kill Methuselah?
Slagar: That old codger? He was going to kick the bucket sooner or later anyway.
Tiria Wildlough: *Jumps up* Old codger? Kick the bucket? You meanie! *Grabs sling*
Redwall Musician: Calm down, Tiria, and have a seat. I'm sure Slagar had his reasons.
Tiria Wildlough: *Sits down* You mean Chickenhound. Hehehe.
Slagar: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
Nightfire: Chickenhound.
Slagar: *Stands up* Why, you impudent little otter! I should—
Redwall Musician: Slagar, have a seat.
HiAG: Yeah, this is rated G.
Skalrag of Marshank: No, it's rated PG. Gotta give Slagar some space.
Slagar: Who asked you, Skalsy?
Skalrag of Marshank: Skalsy? SKALSY? Who do you think you are, Chickenhound?
Redwall Musician: Everyone, calm down! Slagar, please refrain from stirring up our members. Skalrag, don't go off your head, it just gives him power over you.
Tiria Wildlough: I'm sick of this.
HiAG: Me too.
Nightfire: Me three.
Redwall Musician: Okay, maybe we should finish. Everyone, thankyou for volunteering, especially you, Slagar. Good night.

[DanielofRedwall]

Another good job. Next time, just so you know, I'd like to be written in to the script. As a Kestrel like Skarlath, of course!

[Log-a-Log]

That's hilarious- good job

[Nightfire]

Nice. BUAHAHAHAHA!!! That was awesome! Hey, can I write the next episode? I had a great idea!!

[Coobreedan]

Make an episode with me and Kirby as guest stars!
By the way, the only thing Kirby says is "Poyo!".

[Tiria Wildlough]

Nice. BUAHAHAHAHA!!! That was awesome! Hey, can I write the next episode? I had a great idea!!

You can write one if you want. Just post it here when you've finished.

[Skalrag of Marshank]

Heehee. BABY BANKVOLE! Heeheehee.

Thank-you very much for putting me in your talk show, Tiria. You portrayed me perfectly.