The (rather pointless) Redwall Forum Show

[Coobreedan]

He got bored of the talk show, so he won't be coming back.

[Nightfire]

I made another episode! Sorry it's short. 

Redwall Forum Talk Show
Wolverine Special

(Nightfire walks out on stage with five huge badgers)

Nightfire: Hello, and welcome to the Redwall Forum Talk show! These badgers you see behind me are: Lord Brocktree of Brockhall, Bluestrype the Wild, Ceteruler the Just, and Spearlady Gorse. They will be acting as my security guards today, due to our guests. Please welcome onto the stage, Dramz the Mighty, Gulo the Savage, and Askor the Vicious! I welcome you all here, but don't expect me to come anywhere near you three.
Dramz: Humph
Askor: Whatever
Gulo: Was that a threat I heard from thee?
Nightfire: I can see that you three aren't much for conversation. We'll start with Dramz the Mighty. Dramz, what is you opinion on Gulo killing you?
Dramz: Well, he hadst always been a fool. He was forced to murder me instead of fighting in fair combat.
Gulo: I did not want ye to call any guards.
Dramz: What kind of excuse be that?! I could have handled thee with one paw tied  behind my back!
Gulo: I have stood enough insult out of thy great gob! (he stands up, baring his fangs)
Nightfire: WILL YOU TWO PLEASE SHUT UP?!?!
Gulo: (sitting back down) He started it.
Dramz: (face palms, sighing) Dost thou see what I was forced to put up with?
Nightfire: Yes, he's an awful son. Makes a pretty good vermin leader, though. Askor, why did you steal the Walking Stone, also known affectionately as Rockbottom?
Askor: I did not feel like fighting my own flesh and blood just for a reptile.
Gulo: Coward.
Dramz: Thee both sound like idiots.
Askor: I was not a coward! It is not my fault that a tree broke my spine!
Gulo: So THAT'S how thee came to an end. Hah! Killed by a mindless plant!
Askor: Why ye...(stands up, growling)
Dramz: (tackling Gulo) Stop! My sons shall not fight each other while I still live!
Gulo: (mockingly) But ye be dead, father.
Askor: I have had enough of thy insults, brother. (with a roar, he slashes down on Gulo, beheading the other wolverine instantly.)
Nightfire: Hey! Now there's blood on the set! Ceteruler, Gorse, Bluestrype, Brocktree! DO SOMETHING!!!
(Brocktree and Bluestrype lunge forward, pinning Askor to the ground. Ceteruler and Gorse do the same with Dramz)
Nightfire: (sighing) Well, I didn't expect THAT to happen. Sorry for the mess and bloodshed, all of you watchers. Well, I suppose that brings to a close another episode of the Redwall Forum Talk Show! Goodbye, and Goodnight!

(curtains close as a mole stagehand runs out with a bucket and mop to get rid of the blood.)

[Hálig]

Haha, these are awesome! So funny. Can you have me in an episode, please? 

[Nightfire]

Yes, of course   What species do you want to be, and do you want me to call you just Halig, or use the name Georgie?

[Hálig]

I'll be a mouse, and you can call me Halig.

[Nightfire]

Okay!   Here it is, sorry if I accidentally portrayed any characters the wrong way. I don't know anything about Dr. Who, so I hope I got the way he talks right:

Redwall Forum Talk Show
Call-In Panel

(Nightfire walks out on stage wearing her adderskin regalia.)

Nightfire: Hello, and welcome to the Redwall Forum Talk Show! (muttering) This introduction is getting boring. (speaking loudly again) Today, we have with us three guests, and we will be taking call from Mossflower and the surrounding countries. With us today is the mousemaid, Halig! Welcome to the show!
Halig: Hello, I'm glad to be here.
Nightfire: We also have with us a very special guest: Martin the Warrior!!! Welcome, Martin!
Martin: Hi.
Nightfire: Wow. You warrior mice aren't much for conversation, are you?"
Martin: Just introduce the third guest.
Nightfire: Whatever. You'd think that a hero that's been around for eternity would have better manners. Anyway, out third guest is Axtel Surnclaw. Hello, Axtel!
Axtel: Hurr, oi feels greatly welcummed, Noitfoir!
Nightfire: (coughs) Ahem...please try to pronounce my name right. Anyway, we will be taking callers. Oh! Our first caller is...Dr. Who. What? Who in the name of acorns and oaks is Dr. Who?
Halig: Oh, hi!
Who: Hello, Halig! I just briefly had a question for you: Is there a section on your website devoted to me?
Halig: Yes.
Who: Good! 'K, that's all I wanted to know. Bye! (click)
Nightfire: Well, THAT was random. Our next caller is...oh boy, it's Vilaya, the Sable Quean.
Vilaya: Hey! Mole, I'll be sending you my medical bills!
Axtel: Hurrhurrhurr...
Vilaya: I'm watching you, mole!
Axtel: Oi bees greatly terrorized naow, missus! Hurr, oi'll coom on over wi' moi mallet!
Vilaya: Don't...you...dare...
Nightfire: Oops! Just lost that caller! Okay, next caller is...Timballisto?
Martin: Uh...hi, Tim.
Tim: Hi, Martin! I just wanted to say...I know we're friends, an' all, but I still hold a grudge against you.
Martin: For what?!?!
Tim: For you getting yourself captured and getting Rose killed!
Martin: BADRANG caused her death! I tried my hardest to STOP him!
Tim: Oh...whatever. Farewell! (click)
Nightfire: The next caller had better make some amount of sense...
Halig: Someone's on the phone now...
Nightfire: Hello, who is this?
Unknown Caller: Hello, this is Legolas, Prince of the Mirkwood Elves. I just wanted to talk to Halig.
Halig: Go ahead.
Legolas: Could you come over to my palace? The other elves want  to meet you.
Halig: Why?
Legolas: Umm...because you're awesome and have a whole page of your website devoted to Middle Earth.
Halig: I'd rather meet Gandalf.
Nightfire: Okay, I hate to cut short this stimulating conversation, but we're running short on time. Axtel, Martin, Halig, I am really glad that you guys were able to come. This is the end of another episode of the Redwall Forum Talk Show! Goodbye, and goodnight! (Muttering darkly) Out next episode will be more...entertaining...

-APPLAUSE-

[Tiria Wildlough]

Nice! But I don't know about Doctor Who or Axtel Sturnclaw. Still, it was good!.
I'd post an episode, but I don't have my USB handy. I'll do it as soon as possible.

[Nightfire]

Okay, we'll be patient.

[Tiria Wildlough]

Do be patient, because it will take a week at most. Bwahahahaha!

[Nightfire]

Okay. Be patient with me too, because I'm not getting much inspiration right now.

[White One6193]

Since everyone seems to have forgotten about the Wearat Special , here's my rendition.

Urthwyte: Ahem! Am I on? Ah, jolly good! This is Urthwyte the Mighty, Lord o' Salamandastron, presenting this episode of The Redwall Forum Show! Nightfire couldnae host today, as these particular guests have a rather sad history wi' the aforementioned black squirrel. Today is the long-awaited Wearat Special! We have three guests today: The Wearet, of Mattimeo fame, Kharanjul, Lord o' Wearets, and Razzid Wearat, formerly Cap'n o' the galley Greenshroud! Our first guest nearly bested the most famous of Abbey Champions, Matthias the Warrior! (turns to the Wearet, who is hungrily devouring the studio snacks) So, Mr. Wearet, how'd it feel tae nearly beat such a famous fighter?

Wearet: (Drooling, the dumb beast turns to the mic and makes an unintelligible noise) Blaaargh!

Urthwyte: Erm, okay... Mutters: Knew I shoulda just left him out... On to Lord Kharanjul, then! Kharanjul, it seems that ye and yer descendent Razzid're alike in that ye both have issues wit' otters.

Kharanjul: Otters!! Don't talk to me about otters. Or squirrels, fer that matter! Do ya know how long I fell down that blasted chasm thanks t'that stupid Bragoon n' Saro? FIVE FLIPPIN" DAYS!!! I HATE otters! Why I oughta-

Urthwyte: (interrupting) Now, now, Kharanjul, don't go makin' any promises ye can't keep. (Looks at clock anxiously)  Oops, better speed this up! Captain Razzid Wearat! How do ye feel about yer Greenshroud bein' renamed Posy Gurdy ?

Razzid: (wiping his eye in irritation) Ohh, me luvverly Greenshroud!! I'll never see yer like again! Twere them blasted rabbets and those wavedogs!

Urthwyte: So are ye scairt of the otters, then?

Razzid: Scared! O' course not!

(Suddenly, offstage there is a loud war shout. Skor Axehound and his Rogue crew are partying backstage. Skor yells)

YAAAAAAAAAAAYLAAAAAHOOOOOO!!!!!! Come meet my axe, Wearat!

Razzid hides under his chair in abject terror.

Razzid: YAHHH!! Get 'em away from me!!

Urthwyte: (eyes flashing in Bloodwrath) SKOR AXEHOUND!! I told ye that ye weren't supposed to come till next episode!
Heads back stage with his war club.

Urthwyte: AND YE ATE ALL TH'SNACKS!!

CRASH!!!

Screeen blanks, showing message – We are experiencing technical problems-   

Announcer's Voice: Tune in next week, when Skor Axehound says:


YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYLAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[Nightfire]

 

That was epic!!! Loved it! I'll try to do a Adder special soon.

[Tiria Wildlough]

OK, my USB is handy now, so I'll get more on here. I did a wearet special, since I never met any wearats. It's quite different from White One6193's.

The Redwall Forum Show
Princess Kurda Special
Redwall Musician: Welcome to another episode of the Redwall Forum Show! Today as our special guest, we have Princess Kurda of Riftgard. Welcome, Kurda!
Kurda: It'sh Prinshess Kurda to you.
HiAG: I'm sick of titles! Redwall Musician, next time can we have somebeast who isn't a villain?
DanielofRedwall: Oh, I don't know, it's been kind of fun to ask them questions.
Tiria Wildlough: Kurda, do you still chop up turnips? Can I hire you to do it for me? And who's that rat standing next to you?
Kurda: Diss is Vorto, mine Ratguard captain. He is here to protect me. I do not trust you, yarr!
HiAG: She must have heard about the gig with Cluny the Scourge.
Kurda: Cluny de Scourge? I do not know of him.
Skalrag of Marshank: He's a warlord who was here last time. Nightfire ended up killing his bodyguard.
Nightfire: Too right. *Leers at Vorto*
Kurda: You touch him and I chop you like de turnips. Hahahahaha!
Nightfire: Just try it, white streak of slime!
Redwall Musician: Nightfire, if you keep picking fights with the guests, I'll have to restrain you.
Nightfire: Oh, fine.
HiAG: Kurda, do you like to read books?
Kurda: De books? Dey are a waste of time.
Skalrag of Marshank: You think so?
DanielofRedwall: Hey, Kurda, have you seen Ask Slagar? It's really funny!
Kurda: Ask Shlagar? I haven't seen it. Is it funny?
Skalrag of Marshank: Yeah, it's hilarious. But they shut down the website.
'Pheep pheep! Pheep pheep!'
Tiria Wildlough: What in the world is that?
Redwall Musician: That's just my phone. *Picks it up* Hello, this is the Redwall Forum Show.
[Phone buzzes]
Redwall Musician: Yes, yes. Do you really want it?
[Phone buzzes again]
Redwall Musician: Oh, do you? Thanks, I'll see what I can do. *Hangs up*
HiAG: What was that?
Redwall Musician: It was someone asking if we take callers. We don't, but I'll see what we can do. OK, let's get on with it.
Kurda: Diss is boring. I want to go home and do more choppink.
HiAG: One day there will be a turnip shortage.
Kurda: I am startink to run out of herrink for sword practice.
Tiria Wildlough: Herring, you mean? Oh, goodness. Now that your father isn't around to tell you off, you can do what you want, I suppose.
DanielofRedwall: Why don't you practice with real people?
Kurda: I am scared of de swordmaid. She wakes me up when I am dreamink.
DanielofRedwall: That'd be Triss.
Kurda: Trish? Aaaaaahh! *Hides underneath chair*
HiAG: Just for the record, it's Triss, not Trish. And you can come out of there, Kurda, she isn't here.
Skalrag of Marshank: I thought that since you are such a good swordsbeast, you could defeat the Swordmaid paws down. *giggles*
Kurda: No, de swordmaid is possessed! She is better than anybeast I have ever known!
Tiria Wildlough: You haven't known very many people.
Nightfire: I bet she wouldn't beat me in single combat.
Kurda: Wouldn't I? I challenge you to single combat, squirrel!
Redwall Musician: *facepalm* Haven't you learned anything, Kurda?
Nightfire: Deal!
Kurda: *Stands up* I will make you less bold, squirrel!
DanielofRedwall: Nightfire could beat you with her back turned, Kurda. Don't try it!
Redwall Musician: Remember what I said about picking fights with the guests?
Tiria Wildlough: You're boring. I want to see what happens!
HiAG: Go for it, Nightey!
Nightfire: DON'T CALL ME THAT! HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING?
Kurda: I vill dance on your grave, treejumper!
Nightfire: Treejumper?! That's it! Yayalahooo!
Redwall Musician: Security!
[Three hefty mice burst into the room. They  tie back Kurda and Nightfire on their chairs, and leave.]
Kurda: *Struggles* Vy am I tied up like dis? I thought I vas de guest of honour!
Skalrag of Marshank: You were the guest of honour.
Nightfire: It's what comes of picking a fight with me.
Redwall Musician: Umm...I think we'd better finish! Bye everyone, and thankyou for following the Redwall Forum Show!

----------------------------
The Redwall Forum Show
Super Special: Wearets
Tiria Wildlough: Ahh. . .hi everyone! Redwall Musician couldn't be here, so she asked me to host this episode of the Redwall Forum Show. As our guests today, we have the Wearet from Mattimeo, and Kharanjul from Loamhedge. Welcome!
Kharanjul: Oh, shut your face.
Wearet: Harrumph. *growl*
HiAG: And good afternoon to you too.
Tiria Wildlough: This is also the first episode of the Redwall Forum Show where we take callers. I'm not really used to hosting a talk show, let alone take callers, so please bear with me. Now, does anyone have any questions for our guests, the Wearets?
Nightfire: Yeah, I have a question for the Wearet.
Kharanjul: Which one?
Nightfire: Not you, stupid. The Wearet.
Wearet: Yeah?
Nightfire: Which do you prefer, a quick death, or a slow and painful one? I can arrange either of them for you.
Tiria Wildlough: Nightfire! No threatening the guests! I did hope you weren't going to spoil our first episode with callers. Anyway, speaking of callers, it's time for our first one! It's. . .Redwall Musician! Hello, Musician!
Redwall Musician: Oh yes, it's Tiria. I'm really busy, but I just wanted to say 'Good luck'. I hope you don't have any trouble.
Tiria Wildlough: Oh, we don't. . .yet. Bye!
Skalrag of Marshank: I have a question for Kharanjul.
Kharanjul: Hmm? Be quick, fox, I'm not in a very good mood.
Skalrag of Marshank: Tell me a time when you are in a good mood. Anyway, are you really a mix of weasel and ferret?
Kharanjul: So if I am.
DanielofRedwall: Now that was helpful! Anyway, how come it says in Loamhedge that you have 'blood of the Wearets', when hybrids are incapable of reproducing?
Kharanjul: *Blushes* Don't talk about it! *Hides face*
Tiria Wildlough: Never mind. Anyway, it's time for our next caller. We have. . .what? Whoa whoa whoa. Is this who I think it is?
Bluestrype: You bet it is, missy! Why am I not surprised I'd find you here?
HiAG: What? Bluestrype?!
Tiria Wildlough: Bluestrype! You're not supposed to be here! I thought you up!
Bluestrype: Yeah, and you put me in that dumb fanfiction of yours. I tell you, it's embarrassing!
Tiria Wildlough: You are embarrassing me, Bluestrype! Do you have a question?
Bluestrype: I just called to ask if you needed any help keeping your guests in order. They are vermin, after all.
Tiria Wildlough: Bluestrype!
Bluestrype: Sorry. But it's so boring here at Redwall. Tenija Wyteshaft thinks she's so smart, showing off to the Dibbuns with that twangy bow thing. Just the other night she pretended to shoot a star, and passed it off as her own trick. She learned it off Grath Longfletch!
HiAG: You don't know about Grath Longfletch! You live in the time of Abbess Meriam!
Bluestrype: So if I do. Anyway, see you round! *click*
Tiria Wildlough: Phew! So much for that! Anyway, we have another caller—it's Sarobando! Hi Saro, you're on the air.
Sarobando: Ho yes. I'm surprised at you, Tiria, having Wearets on your talk show.
Tiria Wildlough: It's not my talk show.
Sarobando: Be that as it may. You're taking a very big risk, interviewing Wearets!
Kharanjul: Hey, aren't you that squirrel I clobbered at that great gorge?
Sarobando: You're wrong there, vermin—I clobbered you. You can't get me! Nah nah n'nah nah!
Kharanjul: Rrrrrah! *gets up*
Sarobando: Oop, gotta go! Bragoon needs me for something. Bye! *click*
Nightfire: You evil wearet, Kharanjul! You killed Brag and Saro! *Stands up and draws dirk*
Skalrag of Marshank: (sigh) Here we go again.
DanielofRedwall: Uh. . .somebeast do something? Nightfire looks like taking the Bloodwrath.
Tiria Wildlough: NIGHTFIRE! Snap out of it! These are our guests!
Nightfire: Sorry. *sits down*
Tiria Wildlough: OK. It's time for our last caller. And we have. . .Matthias! Hello, Matthias! How's everything?
Matthias: Fine. But I just wanted to tell you, Wearets are dangerous. I should know, because one nearly flipped me off the cliff top that time.
Tiria Wildlough: *facepalm* Everything's fine, Matthias. I'll be sure to call you. . .or someone. . .if anything goes wrong, OK?
Matthias: OK, deal. Bye! *click*
DanielofRedwall: Kharanjul, why is your name spelled with an H after the K? It sounds the same.
Kharanjul: It's. . .umm. . .because it looks better in print, and I always wanted to be famous.
HiAG: Oh, well, that's everyone's dream at some point, isn't it?
Tiria Wildlough: I think that's all the time we have for today! Be sure to tune in for the next installment of the Redwall Forum Show!

I'm working on an Ublaz Mad Eyes one.

[Nightfire]

That was awesome! I love how you portray me perfectly every time! Here's my adder one:

Redwall Forum Talk Show!
Adders of Mossflower Special.

(Nightfire walks out on stage, this time not wearing her adderskin regalia.)

Nightfire: Hullo, everyone. Glad ye could come. I got sick of the traditional greetin', so I dispensed with et. Today we're interviewin' the adders o' Mossflower Wood. For that reason, I chose to not wear my adderskin clothes, out o' respect fer 'em. Our first guest is Asmodeus, the most famous adder in Redwall history. Welcome, Asmodeus.
Asmodeus: Hello, ssssquirrel. I want my ssssword.
Nightfire: (coughing slightly) Ahem. It is not 'your' sword, it belongs to Martin the Warrior. Our next guest is...oh, boy, it's Baliss. Hi, Baliss.
Baliss: It isss an honor to come, sssquirrel. Where do I sssit?
Nightfire: (kicking the giant snake lightly) Go left. No! Your OTHER left! (sighs) Why do I have a BLIND snake on my set? (Baliss finds the chair after bumping about for a minute, and he coils up onto the seat) Our third guest of the night is Mr. Death. Hello.
Mr. Death: Don't call me that. My name isss Lightning Ssstryke.
Nightfire: Okaaay, then. Brookflow and Armel called you Mr. Death.
Stryke: Well, how would they know what my name isss? I never introduced myssself to them!
Nightfire: Good point. I'll just call you Stryke. We will be taking callers for this episode, instead of doing interviews. Here is our first caller...well, speak of the devil, it's Sister Armel! Hi, Armel!
Sister Armel: Hello. I just wanted to speak to Mr. De-I mean, Lightning Stryke.
Stryke: Well, ssspit it out.
Sister Armel: I just wanted to apologize for Brooky walloping you over the head like that. She didn't mean to hit so hard. We just wanted to avoid getting eaten.
Stryke: Whatever. Next caller, pleassse!
Nightfire: Okay, Armel, I'm going to have to cut you off.  Our next caller is Martin the Warrior.
Martin: Hi. I just wanted to say something to Asmodeus.
Asmodeus: What?
Martin: Why did you steal my sword, you rotten slimy rope?!
Asmodeus: Actually, the sssparrowsss sssstole it from you, I jusssst confisssscated it from the sssssparrowssss.
Martin: So? You should have returned it to the abbey when you got it.
Asmodeus: I liked it. It wassss sssshiny. I renamed it 'The Sssserpent'ssss Ssssword.' Sssso much better of a name than 'Ratdeath.'
Nightfire: This conversation is getting boring. Baliss, our next caller is Zaran the Black, and I think she wants to speak to you.
Zaran: Hi. I just wanted to say...I'm thankful that your dead carcass blocked the escape route for Korvus Skurr.
Baliss: I didn't exactly plan to die in the tunnel. And you ordered thossse ssstupid ssshrewssss to kill me.
Zaran: Details, details. Well, I gotta get goin'! ee ya in the Dark Forest, snake!
Nightfire: I'm sorry to end this stimulating conversation, but we're short on time.
Asmodeus: What to you mean?! We've only been on air for sssssseven minutessss!
Nightfire: I know, but the Snowfur Studios wants to air the 'Dysfunctional Vermin Families' episode of Mossflower Talk. Thanks you, goodnight, and if we ever meet again, then I shall acquire a new vest.
Stryke: That hardly ssssseemssss fair, ssssquirrel.
Baliss: As long as we get to eat the audience. (He slithers off of the stage, making a line for a frightened hedgehog. Nightfire runs after him)
Nightfire: Get back here, you stupid reptile! Haven't you learned your lesson about hedgehogs?

-videos feed is cut, just as Asmodeus charges a terrified shrew-

[Hálig]

Love it, Nightfire! Everyone's shows are good. Thanks for putting me in an episode.