Corrupt-a-Wish

[Izeroth]

 Granted! You come up with an extremely offensive post, and are promptly gagged upon posting it.

I wish I didn't have to make a wish.

[James Gryphon]

Granted. One of the mods is very upset after reading a post you made, and deletes it, thus eliminating your wish.

I wish that I had regular sugar instead of this powdered sugar stuff.

[Mhera]

Granted! You get regular sugar, but it's still in its sugarcane form and has not been processed into the more useful granulated sugar.

I wish that dishes could wash themselves.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Granted, they wash themselves and run away.

I wish my kitten would let me hold her.

[Hickory]

Granted. yzour kitten s so obsessed with your arms that you must hold her all the time, in school, work, bedtime, dinner, etc. You breathe in so much cat hair it eventually colgs you esophogus and you suffocate.

I wish my puppy could sleep with me.

[James Gryphon]

Granted. It sleeps on top of your face at night. When you try to move it, it bites your throat, and you die.

I wish that I could take showers at super-speed.

[Banya]

Granted.  You are given a magical shower stall, enabling you to take a full shower within two minutes or less, but afterward the smell of wet dog lingers with you.

I wish there were more hours in the day.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Granted, now everybody has to work longer.

I wish the weather was warmer and I could go hiking.

[James Gryphon]

Granted; it's 100 degrees outside, a lovely day to hike. Halfway down the trail, you begin to notice that your feet are hurting a lot more than you expected. You look down and gasp in shock. Somehow, you forgot your shoes! Walking on the concrete sidewalk to get to the trail left your feet covered with third and second-degree burns. You never go hiking again, for fear of the same thing happening and permanently damaging your feet.

I selfishly wish more people would respond to my posts and topics.

[Mhera]

Granted, but the posters shift everything to vitriolic ad hominem attacks regarding political views within three posts and you have to shut every thread down.

I wish I could get some sleep.

[James Gryphon]

Granted, but you're very busy from here on out, and are never able to get on the forum again. Eventually you forget you were ever here.

I wish that I was better at making games.

[Lady Ashenwyte]

Granted, but whenever you finish a game, some one steals the idea.

I wish I had a best friend in School.

[Eulaliaaa!]

Granted, you think you have a friend, but they secretly don't like you.

I wish I could finish my book and publish it.

[James Gryphon]

Granted; at great cost you self-publish the book. Sales for the first few months are slow; nobody buys it except for one person, who makes a review tearing up your book. He says that it's "a total ripoff, being way too much like (name of really obscure book published in the 1920s)". He goes on to nitpick every sentence in your book; in fact the review is longer than your book is. Your sales pick up after the bad publicity, but your critic publishes his review as the "essential reader's companion" to your book, and gets more sales than you. People talk about what a wonderful writer he is, and he becomes a world-renowned critic. You're small fry compared to him, but out of gratitude for your role in helping start his career, he lowers himself to give every book you ever publish the same treatment.

I wish that socks and shoes were already on my feet.

[Banya]

Granted.  You always have black socks and dress shoes on your feet, but this is inconvenient since it's not everyday you wear a tuxedo.  So you resign yourself to the funny looks you receive as you walk around in your black socks, dress shoes and tan cargo shorts.

@James: your response to Eul was one of the most cruel and creative things I've ever read.

I wish someone would type these two huge papers for me, and all I would have to do is provide tell them what to say, and they would be perfectly formatted, beautifully written, exactly as the rubric ordered, on time, and I would get A's.