Overlord's Orders XII

[Taggerung_of_Redwall]

"First off, I'd like to make a quick note about the paper tea. Anyone could see that a few of my fellow comrades were in deep danger of freezing in a  terrible way, so I realized I should quickly memorize the instructions and then make the special tea to save them. It was that Soren guy who went out of the way to try and stop me. My comrades' looming illness was noteworthy. I figured anyone who wasn't blind could figure that out. Unfortunately, Soren was blind. He had glued some white paper (which he stole from me) to his head and ended up breaking all the cups. If it wasn't for that incident, we were all have been a lot warmer, a lot calmer and a lot more capable of following the instructions that both me and the Bird-lion comrade of mine memorized.

"Anyway, about the town. When we got there, I immediately started about trying to assess the damage and how soon we could get off the ground and back on with the mission. Most of my comrades were just shivering and trying to detach their tongues from ice. I tried using hot water to help them out, but some comrade of mine, Mask, stole it and used it to power some freeze gun. How it's powered by hot water I do not understand. She was blasting everyone with the thing, and soon enough the whole thing was looking very dire."

[Delthion]

Sir, it is true that Me and Deltion were sent to get the reindeer. But Mask had told us that if we didn't wear polar bear outfits, then the reindeer would be afraid of people not from their continent. Me and Del thought this was stupid, but she insisted that we wear them "for cuteness sake". Delthion, always looking for ways to impress the ladies, threw his on and shoved me into one. He said I should be his "wingman" with Mask.
While Del ran to the reindeer pen and I sorta waddled over, the reindeer were freigtened and stampeded us.
By the time me and Delthion made it back to the sled, James and Sam were tied up and they were leaving without us! I flagged them down and got them to stop. While we were struggling to get underway is when the super reindeer came to help.
After a few minutes, Delthion started sobbing and whailing because Mask said she didn't share his affection. He's wailing was so loud that it sent Plugg into his "panic mode". Plugg was one of those "special children ". He stared biting me and chewing on my leg. I cried out in pain, and though it is true Im scared of heights, it was Pluggs chewing that caused me to yell. LT realized what was happening and tried to stop Plugg, but Plugg started to bite him too.
We soon crash landed, and there I ran into the mall to get away from Plugg and to buy a first aid kit to heal our wounds. However, when I came out, Mask was blasting everything in sight. She blasted Tagg to a window and blasted Sam's head to a bench. A turned to get away, but she blasted me to a phone pole. Mask continued on her rampage until morning, when the sun melted the newly-formed glacier. I assure you my lord, this is my only involvement in the situation.

Yes, most gracious and benevolent of the Clausians, I do try to find ways to please the females. But this time, it was only because Mask was blackmailing me, if I did not do exactly as she said I would have all of the blame from both her and her henchman; Plugg. So you see that I was not trying to impress her,when I said I needed a "wingman" I was speaking Grinch and was saying, "This suit is very itchy." Also when I got back and started wailing that was because she said that she was going to pin all of the blame on me even though I had done everything she wanted.

[Maudie]

Overlord, I must explain myself after how these boys have misrepresented me.
First of all, I took charge not only because I believed myself more capable of leading than the rest, but also because James convinced me that I should. He wanted to lead it himself, but after his  failure in with the last mission, he didn't think that they would want him to lead.
I was trying to get the sled assembled when I learned that Tagg had boiled our plans to make a tea! At first I was outraged, but when I learned that he did it to save Our comrades from dying of cold, I decided it was fine and I could somehow manage to put it together out of my ingenuity. But when I tried to direct them on how to assemble the parts, they messed up completely. I figured time was running short, so I had better just try and get the reindeer instead of fixing the sled.
So I sent Soren and Delthion to get them. When directing them on how to go about it, I was rather adamant that they wear polar bear skins. After all, it was twenty degrees below zero! I also figured that since deer are usually shy creatures, they would respond better to a familiar species. James told me I wasn't being convincing and to use my "girl skills" to get the oafs to wear the skins. I attempted this, commenting on how "utterly cute" they would be in polar bear skins. Delthion seemed to be relenting, but James told me I needed to try harder, so I told Delthion that he was a responsible person, and that if he didn't do it he would have to take the blame for his mistakes. At that Delthion seemed scared, and said he would wear the polar bear skins.
When they returned with no reindeer I was furious, and angrily said that Delthion was to blame for this whole thing. I didn't know he would be so sensitive as to think I meant everything I said when I was angry!
But then Delthion said that since James looked so red, he would make a good reindeer. I was not in favor of this notion, but the rest of them seemed so determined to have their way that I let them hitch James and Sam to the makeshift sled. As the y tried to pull, I noticed that the exertion was making them warm, so I decided that they should keep doing that. When the Kryptonian reindeer appeared I was at first relieved, but then I realized that if they stopped trying to pull them would lose their warmth. When they begged me to let them off I allowed it.
When the reindeer was startled and left us in the small town, I was wary as we approached the imposter Santa Claus. I was somewhat jumpy, so when Delthion whispered in my ear "It's a trap, they're all enemies." I immediately whipped out my freeze gun, grabbed the hot water from Tagg to power it if it died, and shot the imposter.

[Delthion]

Most gracious and benevolent of all of the amazingly esteemed Clausians, it is true that I said that James would make a good reindeer, but that was only because he had told me that he actually was a gryphon. When I said that the imposter was an enemy, it was only because Gryphon had told me that there was a communist Clausian training ground very close by, I naturally assumed that they were communists, and Plugg had told me that all communists are hostile to elves. So therefore I was concerned for our welfare, especially Tagg because he seemed to be catching the feared "Ice Plague." I tried to tell Mask that we needed to get out of there quickly but instead she started blowing things up left and right!

[LT Sandpaw]

Milord, I beg your apologies, I was the victim of a cruel joke by Sam and James.
Whenever we started I stayed out of the way still sore about James bringing up of my three seconds on the naughty list. Then Sam and James came over and said they wanted to make up for James rudeness during the last mission. They then handed me an early present, It was a lovely pair of green and purple glasses, I quickly told them they were forgiven and put on the glasses.
They were smeared with superglue and they were stuck on almost permanently, As you can see Milord they are still on my face, I managed to break the glass later and that helped remove the affects. You see, the glasses made me incredibly disoriented, up was down and down was up, random things were bigger or smaller then they were supposed to be, left was right and right was left. Sam then handed me a bottle of superglue and told me to build the sled.
Normally I am a rather good architect however in my state I couldn't build a thing.
To sum it up the sled was a mess and there was nothing I could do about it. Later when everyone was done making fun of my sled, which they didn't help with by the way. Someone decided to strap Sam and James to the sled. Truthfully I was rather seasick and angry about my predicament so I readily agreed. After getting a little revenge, I got into the sled with help from Plugg and we were off. Because I wasn't very into at the time I had no idea that there was a Super deer pulling our sled. I had my eyes closed so I didn't puke everywhere because I was seasick from the glasses, but when I opened my eyes it was like a nightmare mode. It appeared we were flying upside down and all around. To say the least it was terrifying, I flipped and panicked for a short while until someone broke the glasses. I was then restored to my normal mind and noticed Plugg attacking everyone, I tried to stop him but we crashed. Now with a sever headache and a recent seasickness I was led willing along by my comrades back here.

[SilentSam]

O great Overlord, these ridiculous stories are partly true. When James and I gave the glasses to LT, I didn't realize that they were prank glasses, as James said that they were normal party ones. And just in case, I looked it up in my Grinch-English dictionary, and there was no phrase for what he said. It is true that I said James was a good reindeer, but that was because I was dizzy and tired because LT and Soren thought it would be fun to force spin me around. I tried to stop them, but they kept doing it again and again. It looked like he was Rudolph. Also, I don't think anyone explain why I was FORCED to be a reindeer-thing. Well, Delthion wanted someone to be the 2nd person to pull the ride, so he said some childish game. "One... Two... Three... NOT IT!!" Then everyone else knew the game, and said "Not it" while I just stood there confused. So, they forced me to be the 2nd one to do it. Also, when I actually was trying to HELP, by helping flying the sled, Plugg bit me.

[Søren]

Your graciousness, I believe I may have some information to shed some light on the subject. I assure you, Del has told me these things word-for-word. I was in no way involved with these events, but was only a bystander.

It's all Pluggs fault.

I was told that Plugg had been masterminding a way to get James and Sam as the reindeer. He did so because he is holding a grudge against James. Long ago, Plugg thought that James has once stolen his would-be "Girlfriend". I heard it was a misunderstanding, but Plugg never let it go. So Plugg put his plan into action. He was able to blackmail Delthion into starting that game that got Sam hooked up to the sled. This is part of the reason that Del confided in me, and told me everything that's happened. Plugg planned on trying to overtake the sled and was going to attempt to drive it into the ground head first and kill James. However, Delthion's own wailing was and crying sent him into that panic mode and thwarted Plugg's own plans. Plug was not to be found after Mask's freeze-ray attack, and had paid her off.
So you see, if it wasn't for Plugg, this whole mission would have gone better.
I also assure you that I have had no involvement nor any knowledge of any of the events of this mission, besides what has already been stated.
We await your judgment, my lord.

[LT Sandpaw]

Milord, I had no idea my friend Plugg was attempting murder over a girlfriend incident from that long ago, I merely thought he was helping me in my particular predicament at the time. I beg for his forgiveness and hope you can forgive his actions which were not entirely his fault. I know that He would never do such a thing on his own and was most likely under some kind of influence and was being controlled.

[Jasper]

I am astounded! You are supposed to be my best servants, and this... well. We will try not to ever speak of this miserable failure again. The very idea of it! One of you has been particularly useless, in fact. That would be Mr. Plugg. He actually worsened things, to be honest. Chewing on legs, evil plots... something isn't right with this so called servant of mine. For that reason Mr. Plugg will be taking an all expenses paid vacation to an island prison in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Perhaps he can think about what he has done there.

Now to deal with the rest of you. I'm afraid, due to the haste I was forced to take in getting all the gifts out, I misplaced two of them. I gave little Billy a shotgun and Redneck Jim a toy dinosaur. Obviously you need to fix this with all haste, before they open the gifts! I hear they are both on vacation right now - but they will be back very soon! You need to get there, switch the presents and get out without being spotted by anyone! No pictures, no sightings, zero, nothing, nada! You could give away the existence of us all if you fail this time! So for crying out loud, be a bit more careful!

A few days later...

Once again you have managed to fail. Allow me to demonstrate the vastness of your failure. Behind me is what is known as a television. I am tuned in to the most famous station - and as you can see you are once again wreaking havoc upon the general population. I don't even want to know how you found a rhino to ride through New York City, which, by the way, is thousands of miles from either of the houses you were supposed to visit. I also don't want to know why you toppled the government of a small South American democracy. Well, actually, I certainly do want to know why! Explain yourselves you miserable failures! It will cost me millions to convince the world you were just dressed up as elves and were out of your minds, not waging war.

[Delthion]

I am sorry most gracious and esteemed of all the Clausians, but it was Gryphon's fault that the government fell, you see, we went there looking for Billy, he said that Billy is a very common name in where we were going so he said that he would lead the way. He went there and found Billy who was president of the country, he had had a birth defect so he was little, and he also had just been given a shotgun, Gryphon tried to take it away from him but Billy would not agree. Eventually Gryphon called in his friends from the Iraqi government to decimate the country, they got us out of there and flew us to Iraq, they said that if we would be willing to take a rhino to you then they would be very grateful, I tried to stop Gryphon from agreeing because we didn't have time for such nonsense, but he did it anyway and they flew us to Alabama through NYC, alas rhinos do not fare well in the storage area of a plane, when we let it out to get some air it went berserk and attacked us, Gryphon said that he would deal with it, then he tried to knock the rhino out with a sledgehammer. This made the rhino very angry and charged at Gryphon, Gryphon ran as fast as the rhino did and ran through the center of NYC thus destroying the city.

[LT Sandpaw]

It's true Milord, but not only did his friends attack the country but when they learned our names they tied up Me Sam and Soren because they don't like the letter S at the beginning of a name. They were planning on executing us for having S at the beginning of our names when Mask managed to save us and sneak the three of us onboard the plane. Mask then spent the next hour or so untying us because she isn't very good with knots. By the time she untied us everyone else came back, Delthion then informed us it would be in our best interests to escape back to the North Pole, which we did.

[Søren]

My overlord, all this is true, and more. James also protested when we suggested we try to get the dinosaur from Redneck Jim and give him a shotgun. Well, we took a vote on what we should do, and James lost. As we were departing to go to Memphis, Tennessee (where Redneck Jim lives), he sabotaged the plane and threatened to kill us if he didn't get his way. It was for this reason that Delthion said it would be in our best I tersfts to return here my lord. We had no alterior motives, no reason to do anything to jeaprodize this mission. We had no involvement in whatever went wrong with James. It's all his fault.
I can only tell you as much as I witnessed, for I was tied up and Mask was taking forever to untie us.

[James Gryphon]

OOC: This is pretty long, but so is the list of attacks on me this time, so there you go. I had to work on this to get it down to 750 exactly.

"These servants' claims are like looking into a funhouse mirror. The details are there, but grotesquely distorted to completely change everything's appearance."

"I wouldn't have had to take charge of the mission at all if Delthion had done his job correctly. We had drawn up a plan that involved us entering through the chimney with personal cloaking devices on, making the trade, and sneaking out. We were at the complex when Delthion turned visible. I'm not sure who was more surprised, the guards or us. The guard captain opened up with his machine gun, interfering with our cloaks and making everyone visible. I showed him that I was an ambassador, which calmed him down enough to stop trying to kill us."

"They wanted to imprison us, but I knew of a law that said that foreign emissaries can appeal to have their case judged by the President. I knew that this president pardoned everyone who came before him, due to empathy for people trying to get out of punishment. So, "Pequeño Guillermo" came back from vacation specifically to pardon us."

"Having done so, he went to unwrap the present on his desk. He might have been reasonable about giving it up, if Tagg hadn't stuck out his leg to trip Guillermo. Once the little president had fallen, he was furious. Mask asked him to open his present before he did anything else. Once he saw it was a shotgun, he became hooked on the idea of using this weapon to execute Tagg. I tried to persuade him against this, but he got angry at me for wanting to save Tagg, and decided to have us thrown in prison after all. I had a right to a phone call, so I called the Iraqi embassy to ask for help. They said they could get us out within the hour by saying we were mental patients under their care. I said (in Arabic of course), "I'll take anything. Go out there and destroy them with your arguments for us."

"Unfortunately, the phone went dead as soon as I said "them", cutting off the last part of my sentence. Soren had unplugged the phone line! I was as surprised as anyone else when the Iraqi death commandoes burst into the room to rescue us, having left a trail of destruction in their wake."

"After flying to Iraq, the Iraqis said that they couldn't spare a passenger plane, but we could use a cargo plane if we did them the favor of transporting a rhino to your base in the process -- a previously scheduled shipment that had been repeatedly delayed. But no rhino, no flight. Since the rhino had been ordered by someone at the North Pole, I agreed. The incident with the S-named people happened at this time; all I can say is that I warned everyone to use pseudonyms, and I'm not sure why Mask made a show of mentioning your real names."

"Anyway, we stopped in NYC, when Tagg insisted on letting the rhino out to 'get some air'. I warned them this would be a bad idea, but did they listen, nooooo. Anyway, I took out my tranquilizing sledgehammer to stop the rhino. It would've worked, if Delthion hadn't been playing with it and stolen the batteries. When I saw that there was a Mafia group having a gun battle, I decided to use the rhino to break it up, knowing that it would attack people making loud noises. Unfortunately, Tagg was behind the rhino poking it with a stick, and it kept chasing me past the gun battle, right into a public area."

"We got the rhino packed up, but the FBI and the NSA deemed us terrorists and determined to stop us. We barely managed to take off from the airport, with secret agents firing guns at us as we boarded our plane. After five minutes, we heard over the radio that the Air Force was being scrambled to shoot down our jet. It would've been best to flee and find a more covert method of travel to get to Memphis, but for some reason the others insisted on staying in the plane we were in. I said, "If we get blown up by a missile, I will kill you", hacked into the plane's autopilot, and set it to go near (but not to) the North Pole. None of them knew how to turn the autopilot off, so I guess that's why they thought it was sabotage."

[Delthion]

Most gracious and amazing of the Clausians, what Gryphon is failing to mention is that he had destroyed my cloaking device by throwing water at me. He was laughing insanely when I turned visible and the guards began shooting at us. The only reason I was playing with the rhino was because Gryphon had told me to go and deal with the rhino, he secretly drew me to the side and handed me some batteries. He told me that he swore on his life that rhinos love being electrocuted. I went along with it having no reason to not trust him. But I suffered the consequences, I will never be able to trust Gryphon again.

[Søren]

In addition overlord, it was not of my willing to interupt Gryphons phone call. Tagg had told me that there was a terrorist plot against the President, and that the terrorists were using the phone as a means for spying. Naturaly, we wanted the president to get his gift, so I unplugged the phone line to thwart the terrorist plans. However, Tagg didn't inform me that Gryphon was using the phone. After I had unhooked the phone, he said to me "Greatest practical joke on James ever!" I quickly realized what happened, and tryed to use my cell phone to give to James so he could make his call. However, before I could do anything, Tagg grabbed it and ducked it into the fish tank. He then went to Mask and said "Frestest practical joke on Soren ever!". You see my overlord, this is Taggs fault.