Overlord's Orders XV

[James Gryphon]

Not my best work. It's a start, though.

"With so many perfect people that never do wrong, it's amazing how these servants persistently stumble upon defeat."

"I will admit that contacting time-traveling guitars has always been a dream of mine, but as your Majesty knows, there is an excellent reason for this. The guitars are very generous and routinely grant wishes to those they meet. Knowing how this could help your cause and our mission, and seeing on my zone field detector how the environment was conducive to getting in touch with them, I saw no reason not to try to do so, and it worked."

"What these others leave out in between our being surrounded and our being kidnapped is that Izeroth said, "I sure wish that we would be kidnapped and that you would be eaten, Sky". The guitars were listening and started to oblige his wish. I would have wished something else to undo that, but then Sky started humming. As you know, the one thing that guitars hate is other instruments, and people attempting to imitate them, humming included. They got mad, and didn't listen to any other wishes we had to make. In spite of people trying to pin the blame for this on me without cause, it is eminently clear that what I did was good and would have been extremely helpful, if it was not sabotaged by the actions of others."

"After we escaped, we encountered the Mole Man. Mhera, Sky and Jukka were throwing apples at him, which bounced harmlessly off of his invulnerable ultra-force shield. The power switch for it was right on the wall, but Izeroth had told them, "Don't turn it off; throw enough apples and they're bound to get through eventually". I have no idea why he said this, given that it is a known fact that ultra-force shields can resist any and all physical impacts, and that not even throwing planets at him would have done any good. Anyway, after offering this useless advice, he sat in the corner, twiddling his thumbs, and did nothing else. I turned off the power switch, which allowed the Mole Man to be hit and knocked out by one of Sky's apples."

"What Sky omits when she mentioned my saying, "Who cares if we fail this mission", is that I was quoting Izeroth. He had said that at one point in the mission, and with our mission accomplished, I felt it was a good time to confront him about his statements. In the process of doing so, I yelled his words at him."

"In spite of Sky's behavior, though, I was still concerned about her survival. During the battle, Sky had gotten hit with miniscule Mole Man Drills. She didn't see it, but they would have bored into her body and killed her. I knew that the electric spider's electricity would knock out and dislodge these drills, and suggested it because it would save her life. As far as the stunt goes, well, I figured that since the spider fulfilled all of the criteria she wanted, we might as well kill two birds with one stone. I didn't mention this because Sky is deathly afraid of parasites, and even the thought of having some Drills on her would have given her a heart attack. While being blasted with an electric spider was no doubt painful, it wasn't as bad as the drills would have been, and I knew that this was necessary to save her life. This is also why I was hesitant to immediately return to base, and instead went along with Mhera's insane desire to go to a concert, because I knew that the spider needed time to charge up for a good electric blast, and also the Drills would have instantly killed Sky if they sensed a teleporter beam surrounding us."

"Throwing the bombs was necessary because the noise from the concert had powered up the giant sonic-powered antimatter howitzer sitting on top of the building. I'm surprised nobody noticed it, given that an alarm went off and a robotic voice warned us, "WARNING: ANTIMATTER CANNON IS POWERING UP. PLEASE VACATE PREMISES", but I guess everybody thought it was just part of the awful music. The bombs disabled the howitzer, which would have otherwise vaporized large parts of the planet and destroyed your Majesty's trophy."

"As you can see, everything that I did was reasonable and necessary, given the trouble encountered during the mission."

[Izeroth]

 My wish was said jokingly; I never actually meant it. It's worth noting that the others, Skyblade included, wished things against each other that would make my wish seem kind and thoughtful in comparison.

Anyway, I ordered the others to not touch the power switch because I knew it would activate an army of evil robot drones. The instructions on the switch clearly stated this, but for some reason none of the others seemed to notice. Fortunately, just as James Gryphon touched the switch, I found a mini-controller that controlled the robots and deactivated them. It was so small that it was hard to see it-- this is why I appeared to be twiddling my thumbs.

[Mhera]

I suppose I did hand Jukka a note saying that there would be no more orders from you that day, but I wouldn't know. The paper had fallen out of her pocket while we were walking, and I picked it up and handed it back to her without reading it. I just assumed the note was hers, sir, and can assure you I did not write it or have any knowledge of what was on it.

As James mentioned I was just throwing apples at the Mole Man because of Izeroth.

[Jukka the Sling]

And I was throwing apples at the Mole Man because of Izeroth and Mhera. And the note was absolutely not mine, so I have no idea how it got in my pocket to begin with. Mhera is in charge of our laundry; maybe she knows?

[Mhera]

Nope, no idea. Again, I'd never seen the note before. Possibly Sky does, as she's in charge of folding the clothes.

[Skyblade]

Skyblade grinned slightly. "The reason I can smile, sir, is that I am confident that this was not my fault. Let me justify myself.

I honestly never knew that humming angers time-traveling guitars. I was misled because of Mhera and Jukka, who told me that time-traveling guitars love humming". I am sorry for the confusion, sir.

As mentioned, I was throwing apples because Izeroth convinced us that it was the best way to defeat the Mole Man.

Also, when we were wishing "terrible" things against each other, we were joking.

I am grateful to James for saving my life, however.

Nope, no idea. Again, I'd never seen the note before. Possibly Sky does, as she's in charge of folding the clothes.

I was busy at the time running an errand for you, Overlord, so I asked Izeroth to cover the clothes folding before the mission. Thus, I know nothing about this note."

[Jukka the Sling]

I only said that time-traveling guitars love humming because before the mission, Izzy shoved a book at me and said, "Read this and inform yourself on some of the dangers we might face on this mission. Don't worry, I've researched it already to ensure its accuracy." The book was called Time-Traveling Guitars: Their Diet, Behavior, and Habitat. It informed me that humming was the very best thing you could possibly do to calm down a time-traveling guitar.

Blame Izzy.

[Izeroth]

 James Gryphon was the one who recommended the book to me. I was a little suspicious, seeing as it was written by "anonymous", but Gryphon assured me of its authenticity.

As for the clothes, I folded them without incident. Someone must have tampered with them afterwards.

[Skyblade]

I had nothing to do with the clothes or the book, just to clarify, sir.

[James Gryphon]

"It's worth noting that the wishing of 'terrible things' took place after the guitars had kidnapped everyone, no thanks to Izeroth. After Izeroth's wish was granted by the guitars, and they had gotten mad at us, Jukka said, "Great, just great. We're in for it now, no thanks to you, Izeroth. I wish that an anvil would fall down from the ceiling and crush your skull." Sky giggled and said, "How about a hammer!". Mhera said that she wished that everyone would drown in dumpster juice. This escalated quickly, until finally Sky wished that all of us, including your Majesty, would be transformed into sparkling, Belieber My Little Vampire Ponies. The horror of that wish shocked the rest of us into silence, and we spent the rest of the trip thanking the guitars for not granting any more wishes."

"The book I gave Izeroth was, at the time, perfectly fine, and had nothing but correct and true information. It was a first edition of a book made by Galawiki; at the time it was first published, its author was in the Witness Protection Program, and rather than attribute it to a pseudonym, he sent it in as "Anonymous". In later editions of the book, however, the author was revealed to be a famous and very trustworthy galactic traveller."

"So, it's true that I told Izeroth, as well as everyone else, that they should read this insightful book, and get acquainted with these powerful potential allies of your Majesty's, and I don't regret that decision. After all, I had no way to know that Mhera would rip out all the book's pages and glue Sky's comic books inside the covers. The comic books feature dimension-shifting oboes as an archenemy of the guitars, and in issue #1T, one of their henchstruments, a bumbling fool, says "I tho't Guitars love humming?". I'm not sure why Izeroth didn't notice that the book had obviously been tampered with, and insisted on taking it and studying it even after I said that it could now no longer be of any use to him, but that's none of my business."

"Finally, I saw the label on the power switch, but it did say that it would start the sixteen hour-long activation sequence, and that the drones would be functional at and only at the end of that sequence (Mole Men are lawyers, so I wasn't surprised to see so much fine print on the label). I figured that, as bad as Sky, Mhera and Jukka's arms might be, they would probably be able to defeat an unshielded Mole Man by then. I also knew that once the Mole Man was knocked out, his entire robot army would shut down and disintegrate. So, there was nothing to be worried about."

[Skyblade]

OOC: Let me post. I'm going to have A LOT of fun with this


IC:

Skyblade spoke up. “Sir, let me explain what happened regarding the wishes.

As James said, everything just started horribly and escalated from there. It all began after Izeroth’s wish. Then, Jukka wished that an anvil would kill him. There were some time-traveling guitars literally a few feet away from us, and they turned at that comment. I immediately began to worry that they would grant Jukka’s wish. We couldn’t let Izeroth die, so I quickly added, “How about a hammer!” since I knew that the hammers of the time-traveling guitars are incredibly small and do no damage at all. I was hoping that if they did want to grant Jukka’s wish, I could change it so Izeroth would not get mauled.

Mhera saw the time-traveling guitars but continued, “I wish you all would drown in dumpster juice!!”

“Stop saying things like that!” I protested.

I was ignored.

“Well, I wish you all would fall off a cliff!” said Izeroth.

“I wish you would fall in the Bottomless Pit of Despair!” shot back Mhera.

“I wish you would fall in the ABOLUTELY BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DESPAIR!” countered Jukka.

“Please stop, the guitars are right there!” I reiterated.

“I wish you’ll choke on your BLT when you eat it for lunch tomorrow!” said Izeroth.

“Please, stop this negativity. It’s not helping the mission,” I pleaded. “And what are you even talking about? Jukka’s cat ate my BLT, remember?”

“Well, I wish Jukka’s cat eats you next!” shouted Mhera.

What James failed to mention is that he also took part in the wishing. In fact, he said some pretty nasty ones himself (“I wish you all would censored for everyone’s benefit”, “I wish you would die a mysterious death”, and “I WISH YOU ALL WOULD TURN INTO USELESS PIECES OF BACON LIKE THE PORKZOLLI IN OVERLORD'S ORDER 14!”).

The wishes just kept getting worse and worse. I took no part in any of it other than the hammer thing mentioned earlier and the pony one, which I will clarify in a moment.

I looked at the time-traveling guitars fretfully. They seemed to be shaking their heads, and I heard the leader mutter, “It’s probably best to not grant their morbid wishes. Let’s just ignore them.”

“Okay, as you wish. Though that's some terrible stuff they're saying there,” added another guitar as they paused to read Guitar Talk, a rip-off of the Flute Talk monthly magazine.

However, the other servants didn’t even notice this conversation. So as for why they were wishing such malevolent things, I don’t know.

Eventually, it was getting really bad. At this point, people were cursing at each other. I got fed up with this chaos and decided I needed to do something about it. If they wouldn’t listen to my reason, perhaps I could shock them into silence. I said something random about wishing that they and you would turn into ponies. Sir Soren, you know I didn’t mean it. I was trying to get them to be quiet so we could cooperate and actually focus on something important and productive (like, you know, our mission). Thankfully, my plan worked – I dislike using clichés but this phrase fits rather well – like a charm. The others shut their traps.

Let me also explain about the comic book. I had nothing to do with putting it in the book whatsoever. I told the other very clearly to not mess with my comic book. Apparently, they didn’t listen. It was a prized procession from my dear, goodhearted father as a parting gift while I came to serve you. There’s nothing wrong or evil about it, so I kept it. The only reason I really liked it is that 1) It’s a gift from my beloved father, as I already mentioned, and 2) The main characters are a flute and piccolo. Actually, the part about the oboes and the guitars, while it takes up a bulk of the storyline, is minor compared to the flute stuff. I read it only for the flute and piccolo action. The comic book contained a lot of helpful tips for flute and piccolo playing regarding tone, breathing, articulation, technique, intonation, vibrato, and everything else that bolsters a well-meaning flutist. They really helped me become a better flute/piccolo player for the recital I performed last week to raise money to buy you another awesome gift and repair our base.

If there is anything else that needs to be explained, just let me know, Sir Soren.”

Skyblade bowed.

[Jukka the Sling]

Oh, did I mention that (via a laptop) Jukka almost activated the IDS (interplanetary defense system) around your base? I believe she mentioned something about "world domination" while trying to turn it on.

  Anyway, before she could activate the five-hundred or so nuclear missiles, I zapped Jukka with a tazer and deactivated the system. I surely saved a vast swath of your property from destruction.

OOC: Forgot about this.
BIC:

Sir, I was not trying to activate the IDS. I was merely playing a completely innocent, non-evil, and very realistic hacking simulator, as you told me you wished for me to become a proficient hacker to further your own noble ends. (Apparently Izzy needs glasses.) I was muttering something about "world domination" to myself 'cause that's part of the very catchy simulator theme song, and it was stuck in my head. Next thing I know, I'm tazed.

And I was wishing that an anvil would fall on Izzy and that everyone would fall into the ABSOLUTELY BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DESPAIR because I was annoyed and completely unaware that the guitars have the power to grant wishes. Yes, the book had not supplied that information, and I was sadly ignorant. If I had known the danger, I would never have done what I did.

[Izeroth]

 Jukka fails to mention that the "game" she was playing was made by a well-known rival of yours. While the game itself was harmless, the fact that Jukka was using one of your enemy's products brings her loyalty into question.

[Jukka the Sling]

Sir, you yourself suggested this particular simulator to me, saying that it didn't matter if it was made by your rival, as everyone is your rival in the Overlording business.

[Mhera]

Sir, James did indeed hand me the time-traveling guitar book. Unfortunately as soon as I opened it up he lit the pages on fire and ran off cackling. Taken aback by his random pyromaniacal spurt, I just stood there stunned as the pages burned through before finally putting out the flames. Now that the pages were scorched and unreadable, I decided to tear out the worthless paper and repurpose the still intact cover for good.

See, earlier Sky had been fretting about the safety of her beloved comics, crying something about how she didn't want the books damaged in any way. I realized that putting a hard cover on them would protect them, and as I now had one of the right size in my possession I glued the books in as a gift for her. Even though (as I later learned) she didn't want anyone touching her comic books, she seemed pleased with my work at the time. Since I had no way of knowing that the others wouldn't be competent enough to know the difference between a comic book and an in depth study of time-traveling guitars, I don't think I should be held responsible for their ineptitude.

As for my wishes, sir, we all know that dumpster juice is synonymous with happiness; when I said that I wanted everyone to drown in dumpster juice it meant that I wanted everyone to drown in happiness. I did wish that Izeroth would fall into the Bottomless Pit of Despair because there he would be incapable of further ruining the mission. Since it's bottomless, he wouldn't die from landing; the only harm he would come to was being a little sad until after the mission, when we could toss a rope down and rescue him. After all, it's not named the Bottomless Pit of Despair That No One Can Be Rescued From.