Corrupt-a-Wish

[Mhera]

Ninja'd: Granted! You answer every math question, and get most correct to boot. But three hours into the test you make the mistake of leaving a math answer section entirely blank and instead write your answers in the section below it. The second the Procter calls time you realize your mistake and also that there is no way you can fix it without breaking the rules. You have no choice but to erase your answers and move on with the test with that pristine section glaring at you the whole time. (true story)

Granted! You are now a super-motivated workhorse. You end up spending 53 hours straight learning programming and doing chores and collapse and die of exhaustion.

I wish time would temporarily speed up until it was tomorrow

[James Gryphon]

Granted. There turned out to be lots of terrific things yet to happen today and tonight, but you speed through all of them, and miss out on the experience. Then, when you realize what happened, you're so angry at yourself that you literally see red. The veins in your neck pop out and burst from the pressure, and you die.

I wish that people didn't play bad versions of songs.

[Mhera]

Granted! They only play the best versions of bad songs.

I wish that dogs weren't afraid of thunder

[Delthion]

Granted! Unfortunately you are and your dogs are afraid of you! So when ever you hear thunder you rush to snuggle your dogs, and your dogs bite off an important body part! Thankfully you don't die but are rushed to the ER every time, quickly exhausting your resources until finally you take a second mortgage on your house!

I wish that I came up with a less depressing corruption to that wish.

[James Gryphon]

ninja'd: Granted; instead of being afraid, they get angry, and bark and growl loudly the entire time a storm is around. Your dog, in particular, is so loud that your neighbor ends up filing a lawsuit against you over the emotional and mental distress caused by its barking. You don't pay attention to the legal proceedings, lose the case, and now owe half a million dollars.

Granted, but nobody else will ever see it.

I wish that ignorance was bliss.

[Delthion]

Granted, for a time ignorance is bliss, but then everyone else become know-it-alls and find your ignorance distasteful and ignore you as much as possible.

I wish that I had more to do.

[Mhera]

Ninja'd: Granted! You know nothing, not even that you know nothing or that you can learn and experience things, and so you are completely content to sit in a dark room doing nothing the rest of your life.

Granted! You have a ton of stuff to do now that you're really looking forward to but you're now too busy for the forum and you can't get on unless some of that stuff gets cancelled which you don't really want because it's all so great and then it does get cancelled and so you go write 2,000 words about it in Random Rants but your internet bloops the millisecond before you press "post" and you lose all your hard work and die if frustration.

I wish that run-on sentences were acceptable in English papers.

[James Gryphon]

Granted; they're acceptable, meaning the teacher will let you hand in a paper with them. They're not acceptable in that they will get you a good grade. Your paper only manages to get as much as a D because it's about the Czech book "Dancing Lessons for the Advanced in Age", and the teacher thinks that your writing style is an appropriate homage. Your poor grade is unacceptable to you, and rather than let your parents find out, you run away from home. Then you get thrown off a bridge by a mobster, and die.

I wish that I had a bag of Sour Patch Kids candy.

[Mhera]

Granted! You have a bag of Sour Patch Kids candy. But the bag is made of Kevlar woven together with steel and it's seamless. There is no way you can get to the candy without destroying it in the process. But you decide to try anyway, first attempting to cut the bag with a knife. The blade slips and cuts you instead, requiring fifteen stitches. After that you try puncturing the bag by pounding a large nail into it with a hammer. The hammer slips and breaks your thumb. You try fire next, and though you don't hurt yourself during the fruitless attempt to burn through the bag you melt all the candy. Now you're desperate and go for the big guns, literally. Unfortunately you don't know how to shoot a minigun and have to learn how before you try to shoot through the bag with one, and by the time you're proficient in firing one you've run out of ammo. As a last ditch effort you give the bag to a group of three year olds, knowing that toddlers are able to get into anything if they really want to. Unfortunately they tear open the bag while your back was turned and eat all the candy before you get any.

I wish that the directions for my graphing calculator were clearer.

[James Gryphon]

Granted; they're perfectly clear, and you can look through them to see objects behind the paper. They sure are hard to understand, though.

I wish I could port two old Mac games to OS X.

[Mhera]

Granted! But you happen to get it to work on New Year's Eve right after lightening strikes the power grid. Between the already massive demands placed on the electrical system by the holiday and the outages, your attempt at playing those games somehow pushes the system over the edge and causes a massive city-wide power meltdown.

I wish I actually knew how electrical systems worked.

[Hickory]

Granted. Quickly, you progres ahead of other students in your college electrical class and become world-renowned. You are the top electircian and are callled upon, even during weekends, to work for people. They quickly realize that you even make their curcuits better than the original, and they call you in for even the simplest problems so they get a better circuit overall.

I wish that I had speech as an elective instead of art and/or dance.

[Mhera]

Granted! But in one of your speeches you have to demonstrate something, and your teacher, rather than letting you pick your subject, assigns you to demonstrate every type of ballroom dancing there is, as well as break dancing and the hokey pokey. Since this will take awhile and she doesn't want you skimping on anything, you have a minimum speech length of ten minutes. Also this one speech counts for 65 percent of your grade.

I wish that shoes would never wear out.

[James Gryphon]

Granted. With no wear on shoes, the need for new shoes greatly declines. Shoe companies stop making new shoes, and the stores take shoes out of stock, often donating them to charities. Within five weeks, most every person on Earth has a pair of shoes. The prices on the remaining shoes skyrocket, as there are no new pairs of shoes being made, but as everyone has shoes and the shoes don't wear this is not considered to be a pressing problem. Unfortunately for you, you're walking down the street one day, and accidentally step on a spike. The spike penetrates through your shoe, tearing it to pieces. Although your foot is left unharmed because of the sole absorbing the damage, your shoe is worthless. Buying a new shoe would run thousands of dollars, so you go shoeless, and are unable to get into most restaurants and public facilities.

I wish that all media conformed to my standards.

[Mhera]

Granted! However, your standards are such that very few celebrities dealing with any sort of media can match them, putting those folks out of business. Jobless and still spending a lot of money, they soon go broke and get evicted from their mansions. Since they can't find anywhere else to go all the homeless has-beens crash at your place.

I wish mud wasn't dirty.