Corrupt-a-Wish

[James Gryphon]

Granted. Your teacher gets up and announces your appointment to this position, going on at length about how you stood out like a lighthouse in a sea of academic mediocrity. All of the other students are angry and jealous, and stop speaking to you. When you get up to deliver your speech, everything you say is drowned out by booing.

I wish that, whenever somebody I know was about to get injured or sick, that whatever it was would happen to me instead.

[Banya]

Granted.  You take all of the maladies of the people you care for upon yourself.  You are overwhelmed; even though you were vaccinated as a child, you contract measles and chicken pox.  A friend has no reaction to bad break-up; your heart is broken.  The doctors find a tumor in your lungs.  You lose eyesight in one eye.  Your eyebrows fall off.  You have morning sickness, but your cousin has the smoothest pregnancy the doctors have ever seen.  While driving, your wrist snaps.  You have no notice of these injuries before they occur.  Within the space of a year you come down with everything from the common cold to the incurable flurgy twinj.  The medical bills are ridiculous and you are forced to sell your house for much less than its value.  You move into your friend's grandmother's basement, which smells of mothballs and Parmesan cheese.  Your friends are in great health, thanks to you, but you can no longer go about your normal life, and are afraid to make new relationships, for they bring on more injuries.

I wish only needed to sleep for a few hours each day and could still function normally.

[Dibbun Against Bedtime]

Granted. All your bodily functions now work with just a few hours of sleep... But you go insane as sanity is not a bodily function. Everyone around you watches as you fall into mental illness and there is no way to stop it.

I wish I could ruin every child's every wish.

[Izeroth]

 Granted. Hordes of angry children murder you with plastic knives.

I wish I could finish the short story I'm working on.

[James Gryphon]

Granted, but the ending is incredibly long, about ten thousand pages, as you go to great length expounding on the future lives of all of your characters. Nobody in the world finishes reading your book except me, and reviewers call you a liar and all sorts of other names, as the book is still marketed as a "short story".

I wish I was encased in powered armor.

[Izeroth]

 Granted. You are now invulnerable to everything short of a nuclear assault. Only one tiny flaw: because your armor is made of highly-conductive metal and powered with electricity, you're being constantly shocked and zapped by it.

I wish I was a genius at math.

[James Gryphon]

Granted. Everybody knows it, so they constantly ask you for help with their bills, taxes, homework, and sundries. The government catches wind of your ability, and take you in as a new human computer. You spend all day every day calculating trajectories for missile strikes, and ideal percentages for tax increases.

I wish that I wasn't so awful.

[Dibbun Against Bedtime]

Granted. Your name has been changed from "So Awful" to "Incredibly Awful". You are constantly humiliated.

I wish I had a parrot that could curse in Russian,

[Skyblade]

@James: What! So awful? I seriously hope you're joking about that, James..!

@Dibbun: Creative, dude! That response made me laugh out loud

Granted! You now own a parrot that can curse in Russian (I don't know why you would want this, but ok). Unfortunately, it is a very mischievous bird that will curse at everyone in sight, including you. For some reason, it doesn't curse at your mother which is probably a good thing anyway. You are pestered but have no way to stop your parrot from cursing at every human being in existence (except your mom, as already mentioned). You ask your mother to give it back to the pet store, but as the parrot doesn't curse at her, she continues to believe it is sweet and benign. You are stuck with the bird for many years.

While this is incredibly annoying, it doesn't get detrimental until one day you get a girlfriend. It turns out she is Russian and speaks her native language perfectly. You invite her to your house, locking up your parrot so it can't say anything to her. However, the parrot, being a wise and devious sort of bird, hears the presence of another human in the house and start cursing wildly. Since your girlfriend doesn't see the parrot, she thinks it is coming from you and storms out of the house. You later end up giving your parrot to your mother, and your ex-girlfriend tells everyone what happened.


I wish I was an amazing and incredible writer of whatever I wanted to write.

[Dibbun Against Bedtime]

Granted. You become the best writer ever, but have no work ethic. You don't write anything because you don't want to.

I wish I had a horde of bloodthirsty monkeys that would attack who I say they should.

[James Gryphon]

Granted, but they get bored very easily, as you don't give them orders nearly enough for their liking. When they are bored, they attack random people and destroy property. One day, you sleep in, and your monkeys run wild, tearing up every house in your neighborhood. The police come to investigate. It's pretty obvious who is responsible for the monkey menace when they see blood stains and wreckage at every house on the street except for yours. Your monkeys are all taken to a secure zoo while your court trial takes place; eventually, your lawyers run out of excuses to keep you from getting punished, and after a very sensational five-year trial, you are sentenced to live in the monkey cage with your monkeys for the rest of your life.

I wish that, instead of having to go places myself, I could send a robot that looked and sounded like me in my stead, and control it by giving orders like in a text adventure (> SAY "HI" TO GIRL).

[Dibbun Against Bedtime]

Granted. It takes your orders literally. When you say "Get food for dog at Petsmart" your robot goes around endlessly looking for "Food to dog".

I wish I had a chicken named Bo McDiddlerson McGee Jones the Seventeenth of Gallardia.

[Hickory]

Granted! However, he turns out to be royalty and the Gallardia Royal Guard assasiinate you.

I wish I was more popular on the forum.

[James Gryphon]

Granted; you're everybody's favorite member. Whenever you log on, anyone who is on immediately drops everything they're doing to PM you, and ask about how your day is going and what all you've been up to. Whenever you make a post, everybody quotes your post and responds to it. They spend all of their off time asking you questions on your topic, because you're such a great guy and obviously they want to know everything about you.

This is fun for a while, but you quickly find that it's exhausting to keep up with everyone on the forum. Furthermore, if you don't respond to their PMs or questions right away, they assume you don't like them, get upset, and send you even more PMs asking what they did. You eventually decide that keeping up with the forums is too emotionally involved for you, and leave without telling anyone.

Within a week everyone has figured out that you're gone, and they're so distraught that they figure they might as well give up on the forum. Everybody leaves except for the staff, and the forum becomes a ghost town.

I wish that no Blue Bell ice cream was contaminated.

[Dibbun Against Bedtime]

Granted. No Blue Bell ice cream is contaminated, but Blue Bell goes bankrupt. You have to switch to other, highly contaminated brands for your ice cream. You die typing "Games Jryph-" with a bucket of Haagen-Daas in your hand.

I wish I was a Dibbun for a millennium.