Corrupt-a-Wish

[Banya]

Granted.  Your army of magical, invincible gnomes, however, are so preoccupied with battling each other that they do not heed your orders.

I wish every year were as long as two years, so I had twice as much time to enjoy them.

[James Gryphon]

Granted. School semesters are interminably long, women are now pregnant for the current equivalent of eighteen months, everyone has to endure the current equivalent of six long, wretched months of winter every year before the world warms up again, and the world gets twice as much politicking every election cycle. All this misery and suffering for the rest of the world can be directly attributed to your wish.

I wish that I could perfectly control my emotions and feelings about things and/or people.

[Dibbun Against Bedtime]

Granted. You become a robot because your feelings are so easily typified and are easy to code.

I wish all yo momma jokes I made were great and hurt no one's feelings.

[Izeroth]

 Granted. You only know a few that won't hurt people's feelings, however, and your friends get tired of listening to the same jokes.

I wish time travel was possible.

[James Gryphon]

Granted, but you can only travel in one direction, forwards.

I wish that I wasn't sick.

[Cornflower MM]

Granted - You're dead!

I wish all those stinkin' typos  I made when I first joined would fix themselves.

[Skyblade]

Granted! All the stinking typos you made when you first joined fix themselves. However, you still need to worry about the good or neutral smelling ones. And since text technically doesn't have a scent anyway, none of your typos actually smell bad and none of them are fixed.

I wish I could make it so nobody can hear me play flute or piccolo, except myself, whenever I wanted (so I don't get self-conscious while I practice). But also that I can turn this setting on and off with full control.

[Dibbun Against Bedtime]

Granted. You lose interest in piccolo/flute, and never play again.

That was funny, with neutral-smelling typos. 

I wish that I was king of France during the late 1300s and had a peaceful reign.

[Izeroth]

 Granted. Unfortunately, medical care isn't so great, and you die from disease at the ripe old age of 49.

I wish I was a good swimmer.

[rexhyuga]

Granted, but now you're a bad walker.

I wish for a lifetime supply of root beer.

[Skyblade]

@DAB: Thank you!

Granted. However, a lifetime supply of anything is, well, usually a lot. You have trouble finding a place to store all your root beer, as the quantity is immense. Boxes upon boxes of this substance flood your two-story house from floor to ceiling and spill out onto your yard, the neighbors' property, and the street. This becomes such a nuisance that people call the police on you, and you are taken away and convicted of unrealistic root beer hoarding. You have to pay a huge bill of charges, which you must pay for by selling all the root beer you gained in the first place. So not only are you no better off than when you started, but you're also considered a root beer maniac by society. Have fun!

I wish I got accepted by my dream school and got to attend it without incident.

[James Gryphon]

Granted. The next time you go to sleep, you are accepted into your dream school. From now on, you spend all of your sleeping time attending classes and doing coursework. You wake up every morning feeling tired and worn out from the rigors of your literal sleep studies, none of which you remember, and none of which help your actual life.

I wish that playing goalie in NHL 14 wasn't so farcical.

[Mhera]

Granted; now it's closecical.

I wish I was already packed for tomorrow's trip.

[James Gryphon]

Granted, but you only packed candy and comic books. You had to wear the same clothes the entire trip. The people accompanying you on your trip started to stay away from you after the third or fourth day, due to the smell.

I wish that OS X automatically ran everything that was available for Windows, without my having to start up on the Windows partition.

[Banya]

Granted.  OS X automatically runs everything available for Windows but does so painfully slowly, and nothing else on your computer is available until you manually close everything available for Windows. 

I wish the children I supervise during day camp weren't so mean to each other.  I wouldn't even care if they were still disrespectful to me or to their environment, if only they were kind to one another.